Okay like I said I'm 38 and I've always been known to say that "I'm in love with the kids I don't even have." Following High School I was in a 5-year relationship, then after that I was in a 9-year relationship, both ended cordially and am on good terms with both of them. Both of them told me multiple time that they couldn't imagine me not having a kid one day. First one ended because essentially we are young.. as well felt we needed to find out who we were as individuals, because we had somehow become this entity. The next one was after med. school she all of a sudden wasn't sure if she wanted kids and wanted to travel. Which mind you, we did already. On a side note I went to a wedding recently with both of them, for my 5 years, sisters wedding. I know I'm not going to get back with either of them nor do I wish to. Starting last week I started dating a lady (45) who's older than me and has two older kids (26 and 17).. she's a really solid partner and my parents (who seem to think no one's good enough for me) think that she's great being someone that will stick with me till the end. She's also been right by my side through all the stuff I've gone through this year. I honestly think that she would literally and physically walk through a fire if I needed her by my side. Given that she's already raised kids she doesn't want to have anymore. We both r willing to do a surrogate eventually, but that's not the type of money that I have, given I live in socal. Ok so everybody that knows me knows that I'm really good with kid and how badly I want one. Also im encouraged by them to hold on hope because there's a lot of younger women out there who want the same thing but with a more mature guy. I'm attractive, make decent money, but have had a year with several deaths starting with my brother by suicide honestly my Netflix and Amazon profiles have three out of five people on them, that have passed away in the same year. My Dad got lung cancer (beat it). So obviously I'm exhausted, but time isn't really on my side.. Mentally I do feel strong, but it's hard for me to socially interact right now, especially because I'm in sales, and I do it all day.. So I'm perplexed, what do I do.