My relationship with my father has always been unstable. I feel like he is more of an aquaintance than a father, I doubt we could say one personal fact about each other.

He was abusive and controlling with undiagnosed and untreated mental illness and rage running rampant. We grew up afraid to make mistakes or say the wrong thing (something i still struggle with to this day).

My mother dealt with it as long as she could stand and eventually they got divorced when I was around 12 years old. He spiraled out of control and started calling 60 times in a row, alienating us with his obsessive behaviour and then blaming my mother. He was so desperate that he swallowed a bottle of aspirin with a vodka chaser when he knew my mother would be coming over to the house. She was blamed by his family who claimed it was because of her (a running theme in that family as they just enable him and never make him take responsibility for his actions).

I struggled with anxiety, depression and borderline personality disorder after the divorce. He claims these disorders are bullshit even though he clearly suffers from his own mental health issues. The only reason I am still on this earth is because my mom never gave up on me.

He eventually met a girlfriend and got her pregnant (accidentally), my half sister was born. Once he fucked that up inveitably, we have not been able to see her let alone mention her existence. Not only did he pull the same behaviour with that poor woman, proving he learned nothing, he tried to kill himself yet again when that didn't work out (unsuccessfully). She was around 4 the last time I got to even talk to her, she is now 19 and i long for a sister connection with her but fear she will ask why her father doesn't want to see her.

Fast forward a bit and he comes out of nowhere and told us he is now married to a woman he has known for two months. Mind you we have never met or heard of her before he told us that they were already married. She brought her son over from china as well so we have a step brother. We habe no resentment towards them (even though it was quite a shock at the time), if anything we felt bad for them being subjected to living with him.

During all of this, we tried our best to deal with our emotions while putting on a fake smile around our grandma, she is really the only reason we humored seeing him.

She passed away in early July of this year. There doesn't feel like a reason to keep the charade up.

I recently got engaged and something weighs on me. I am Italian and traditionally the father would walk the daughter down the isle and they would have a dance. But thinking about it makes me upset, that dance would be the most awkward 4 mins of my life.

Everyone says I have to respect him cause he is my father but why should I reward someone that has put no effort in for the past 25 years? If I were to give him those things, it feels like enabling his behaviour and rewarding it.

Am I the asshole here for not wanting to have him walk me down the isle or have a father daughter dance? Should he get the right to do those things by simply having the title of my father? I would much rather my mom walk me down the aisle but I am afraid he will turn his anger towards her if I do.

Any advice or thoughts are appreciated.