i hate everything i’m doing and everything i’ve ever done. i’ve talked to a few older men online before, but i eventually get so scared and so nervous i don’t know what to do. it makes me feel sick and strange. it relieves an itch momentarily but then it comes back ten times worse. i feel attractions to older men i meet in person, for example a professor i think is handsome at my university. i would assume he’s around 40-50. i’m not in any of his classes, but i think about him more than i’d like. i can’t touch myself anymore without feeling a sickness or a guilt. i followed an attractive looking older guy on instagram and i immediately felt a sickening kind of guilt. i would watch videos of him lifting weights, or look at his selfies and feel an attraction and then a guilty feeling. it just makes me want to hurt myself. i keep getting close to relapse. i know i shouldn’t be ashamed but all these little things infect my everyday life. i can’t enjoy anything without feeling guilty. without feeling dirty or strange. i don’t understand, i feel like i’m not “good”.