TW: mention of sexual assault

i came to a realization recently that’s been really fucking with my head. my daddy issues make me seek out older men so i can have a parental affection. i want an older man who will take care of me and let me turn my brain off and feel like how i assume a child would feel cared by a loving father. it makes me feel safer. i don’t feel like myself, i don’t have to be the hurt person i always am. i can be blank, i can be who i was before i had becomes hardened. it’s stressing me out. it’s upsetting that sometimes i just want to feel small. i want to be taken care of and gain that affection.

i had a really shitty relationship with my father. he went through a lot. he was in a work accident where half his face was burned off. lost his brother and mother, did college classes online while raising 2 kids, went through a bunch of shit with my mom (who is an evil evil woman!) a lot of physical and verbal abuse, not getting to see him, until he was in the hospital (which me and my sister never knew about, he told us he got a job in a different state). i never had good relationships with either of my parents, both were absent but i was “under the care” of by my mom more, but i find i only seek the approval and affection from older men. i don’t have an interest in boys my age. but the idea of being babied by an older man eases me.

funnily enough this realization was brought to me in a dream with hugh jackman lol. this need to be cared for, to be protected makes me sexualize myself. i practically throw myself to older men just so i can feel safe for a moment, even if i know it’s not a safe situation. i have a history of sexual assault, being stalked, threatened with sexual violence, etc etc. i’m not a touchy person. but the moment an older guy lays his hands on me in a non-aggressive way i melt instantly. it makes me feel like an older man can make all the “bad touch” i’ve experienced in my life go away. i can feel clean and comfortable again. i believe i go through something similar to age regression mentally? or i just get a bit mentally lost.

sorry for any typos i just really needed to get off my chest. if anyone could relate or share advice please do. i hate knowing that a big part of happiness and accepting myself relies on an older man to love me. but it’s not as easy to fix as it sounds lol.