One of my kids (12f) has been to therapy for trouble in school in the past and during those times the therapist had mentioned she was oppositional defiant. We weren't really given many tools for how to navigate that, and basically the understanding is that this means she will defy authority on the principle of being defiant. We moved to a new school, things got better, wasn't a big deal in that regard for all of last year and most of this year.

Except at home. Especially with me. She's at this awkward age where she's growing into all the changes her body gets going into the teenage years, but in addition she's very disrespectful and outspoken against her parents. She'll literally just talk down to my wife and I as if she is the authority figure a lot of time. What makes this worse is she's very prone to drama and is easily "set off" which normally turns into this big yelling and screaming fit, slamming things around, cursing - you name it.

If we try to gently nudge her in a more positive direction she becomes evasive and deflects it back on me. Accusing me of being even worse than she is. It's not untrue that when she was younger I followed more in the vein of my upbringing and would raise my voice at her. She's been spanked a time or two. I didn't feel right about those things and stopped. Now it's like it hasn't happened in years but she thinks it's okay for her to be this way because she can be like "well you did it." even though that's time long gone from the current dichotomy we're trying to create for our family now.

I was not raised in a way that has prepared me to handle this particularly well. Just about everything my daughter does would've been met with a raised voice and a belt when I was a kid. I don't feel that method was very effective though, as it caused a lot of damage in my sister and I... so I want to find a better way to approach it. We've tried all kinds of punishments in the past. Nothing seems to really resonate with her. She's now trying to find a job so she can make money, we think because she's in a hurry to move out of the house one day (which is a little scary to say the least, as we don't want a runaway situation).

My wife will just let my daughter berate her. That upsets me a lot and makes me feel like I need to step up for her and put the kid in her place somehow. Wife tells me i need to ignore it and walk away and not let my temper get flared up. I feel like while I don't fully disagree with that, it's also giving the kid more rope and leverage as a manipulator. This is toxic behavior for anyone, and I don't want her growing into this kind of an adult.

To me a child needs to know their place as the responsibility of the parents and should respect them when they ask something simple of the child. They don't need to like it, but they do need to respect it. We've only done everything we can to provide for her over her entire life. It's not a huge ask to be civil in conversation...

So I guess now that the background is laid out it's two questions: 1) How much of this can be chocked up to crazy teenage hormones vs an actual chemical imbalance or diagnosis of OD behavior? and 2) Has anyone got any experience with this sort of situation... for those who have, what's worked for you to get somewhere in these kinds of situations?

EDIT: I wanted to thank everyone for their input, perspective and suggestions. Last night was a lot better even though she had a rough day at school. We were able to just sit and talk for a bit about anything and nothing and she asked me for help with her physics homework which was frustrating and confusing to her. There were bumps along the way but no matches were lit so to speak. I put it in her court if she wants to go on daily walks or every few days. We used to do that. Anyway - thanks to everyone. I appreciate the perspective that was provided here.