We’ve been capturing these in Notes for years and it’s a great little project!

4 year old:

(Said with real feeling when wronged) I’m going to put you in the bin and throw mud on you

(Hurt himself falling off a chair) I’m not going to smile ever again

Who made this life? (he had a bit of an existential crisis about this one)

(Breaks bowl and grandad walks in): Go away (Grandad doesn’t leave): Get sellotape

Did you know Sybil once had cats in her tummy? She borned them by a fire

What do you get if you mix up a car and a mushroom? A woolly baby! It’s a Christmas joke, all Christmas jokes are supposed to be awful

Blow the balloon up with all your might!

I am NEVER going to sleep again

(Of her baby sister) She is a baby mixed up with a toddler. A bobbler!

If you say that one more time I will break this house

There won’t be a rainbow for a year. I saw one rainbow a long time ago. But now I don’t see any.

I NEED to go on a frog hot air balloon

(Out of the blue during normal conversation) How about I kick your head off?

Dog skeletons are so big, how do they even fit in a dog?

Seven year old:

There’s something else bad that (her brother) has done. It’s really terrible, I can’t explain, you’ll have to come and see it (He’d put soil on the swing)

Your son has just jumped off a mountain (it was a pile of cushions) Me: Oh dear, is he ok? He seems to have a bone sticking out of his knee (note: he didn’t)

Everybody could do with some ice cream in their life

Me: Do I look ok today? Yes, you look like your normal silly self

It would be terribly sad, even sadder than if daddies had no coffee

They do car races at Goodwood. It’s boring, it should be called Badwood

I know how to do that, I’m a very modern child

Talking of cats, did you know they never eat Lego bricks, they only ever chew them?

A poem in the style of E.Lear- Oh cat, oh cat Will you come to my tea party? No octopus, no octopus I am busy on that day I’ll call a shark to eat you up Or throw you in a seaweed dump Ok, ok, I’ll come Good

This baby is a monstrosity!

Remember, we have to remind (her brother) when he’s a teenager that when he was two he wanted to marry a dot on the tablecloth

Grandad needs a more modern phone. There are games especially for old men where you just pop bubbles or something

(Seeing plasters on my hand) That is the hand of a man with three children