I want to say how I currently feel,

But what is there to possibly say?

My words are woven by one hand,

While feelings are kept in another.

This tapestry that is me is detailed,

But all I have to share are glyphs.

What a dire frustration I face now!

I want my poems to move mountains,

But what good is wordsmithing magick

If it only creates stoic images for you, dear reader?

I used to have a fire, something burning bright below.

Sure, it caused me a lifetime of problems.

Nonetheless, what manna it fed my muse!

I remember weeping while typing furiously;

I remember screaming between lines;

I remember hitting myself when I thought

I was not good enough.

I suppose that is a truth eternal;

My abyss of self-loathing.

Like a sand pit I try to claw myself free,

But every swipe brings me down further;

It's like tar in that it's stuck to me,

And no cleaning solution can save me.

I'm trapped by my own hellish despair

That is birthed by how much I despise

This wretched creature I call Victorious.

What a jokester I have to be

To think I'm worthy of any name

Other than Reek, Filth, or Petulance!

Others tell me I'm good, that my life has worth;

They're paid actors serving God.

My creator has shown me unconditional love,

And look how I behave.

To think I'm worthy of the title son of God

Is an awful tumor called entitled hubris.

I can do nothing but fail time and again.

To be even good enough to deserve to live

Would be an honor I could not distinguish.

What is my purpose if I'm designed to mess up?

But, still, I must be grateful,

Because if I didn't, I'd be suffocating on sand and tar.

At least the universe permits me to breathe;

To see existence from the other side.

It allows me to be ever vigilant

In these moments where I have no faith in anything,

For I have faced far darker days

While being a broken shadow

Of what I sometimes see in the mirror.

My father called me a survivor,

And while it's hard to feel that way now

It's a truth that I have been through hell,

And still I remain a kind soul.

So, now I'll say again that I'm not perfect,

But in me is a light that God ignited.

It is not the inferno that burned me before.

Instead, it is a will to do what I have been guided

To do by a higher power leading humanity

Through the trials of civilization and evolution

In order to manifest a unified field of consciousness.

It is now that I must contend with my own mind:

There is the cosmic symphony that I feel blessed

To be able to hear with my heart, mind, and soul;

It gives me a place of peace knowing God.

However, where has total mind control gotten me?

What of a place of stability, sustainability, and safety?

I feel torn, split between worlds that are farther apart

Than the stars in the heavens above.

God taught me the middle way requires sacrificing

What you are willing when you are able.

Yet, as I continue on this path of sanity

God is teaching me that I can sacrifice my life;

Not in a way that will destroy me,

But rather, I can dedicate myself

To build within me the friend everyone needs.

Today is the first rebirth that God gave to me

Where I don't feel that I failed my Father.

Instead, I have the sight to see how

My life is not going to be a struggle.

In this moment I understand that I can make people

Feel better about the way the universe is

And our place as an extension of it,

For God has made us aware that we're His hands

And tending the garden gives us a reason to exist.

So, I'm ashamed for not living up to my potential,

But know that I rise in the wake of my muse.

My feelings and words are woven together!

Which makes me happy to be a full-time

Beacon of light for whomever is in my present moment.

May you, too, be blessed dear reader,

For you deserve a good day this fair morning.