Are you looking for a nerdy guy that happens to be good with his hands and knows how to use them? The kind of guy that you can depend on during the zombie apocalypse or robot uprising (whichever comes first)? You know, someone who could MacGyver together a zombie/robot stomping battle bus? Do you want that bus to be Witcher themed? Hello Kitty? Snythwave? Well, let’s grab the battle cat mascot, drop the beats and slay them with style!

But wait! There’s more! How about someone with the tools and “can do” attitude to make any survival situation go from “fuck me” to “tolerable” You know the kind of guy that would be able to maintain that battle bus. Change the brakes, rotate tires, change the oil, clean off the nasty bits, that kind of thing? How about if he has the skills to be as self-sufficient as possible to survive? What would you say if this person could even cook you a camp fire meal? After washing his hands, of course. Disclaimer: I have no idea which mushrooms would be safe to eat, and, for that, I do apologize. I offer these services and more in the zombie survival package.

If these events have not come to pass and you are looking for something different, I can offer you the classic nerdy outdoorsman package. With this package you get someone that will happily venture out into the tree jizz and dust filled landscape that is spring and summer with you. This package includes plenty of nasal spray, eye drops, and antihistamines to combat this menace before out nose and throats close up in anger from the never ending facial. The package also includes lazy lake day kayak/canoe trips to just float around watch the cranes and enjoy the calm. For those of you who are more of a night owl, I can also offer late night star gazing with telescopes! Are you more into hiking and just enjoying the outdoors in general? I got you covered there too. We can spend the day hiking and going on spontaneous adventures to see who can get poison oak first! Disclaimer: I do not recommend seeing who gets it first.

For a limited time, I can offer you the winter wonderland package! This package includes random adventures in the cold! This may also include me running outside into the snow with just my boxers and hard nipples to make a sad attempt at a snow angle! Other perks of this package include snuggling under multiple blankets and drinking hot coco! How does the sound of driving around at night to look the Christmas lights sound? Disclaimer: the cold will give me diamond cutters.

If you have made it this far and had a good laugh, good! I still have one more package to offer! The Southern Charm package. Good news too! This package has its own bit of flare, and includes parts of the other packages at no extra charge!

To be sure that this is the package for you, I have a few questions. Would the person you are looking for be someone with a mohawk that is forever changing colors? How about a neatly trimmed beard that smells of sandalwood? What about the smell of Old Spice? Would that person also happen to have a few piercings and tattoos? Do you like the twang of a Southern accent? What if that accent was happen to be from a guy who is open minded? Do you enjoy a quick wit? How about being fluent in smartassary? How about a guy that is taking care of way too many fish? How about a guy who is starting to find grey hairs in his beard and is embracing the chance to become a silver fox?

Would you like for that person to be able to build a computer and change your oil all in the same day? How about having your tires rotated, breaks changed? I can even do headlights and air filters! Does the thought of helping turtles cross a busy road and helping tiny tadpoles stay safe with a pool of water during the summer tickle your fancy? Would you like to come home and have a pot roast and chocolate cake waiting for you? How about coming home to that random piece of IKEA furniture fully assembled? What about someone who would help while you built the IKEA? Does the idea of a guy who has reached the level of old that he enjoys puzzles intrigue you? How about if he has a love for cats that like to sit on said unfinished puzzles?

Do you have an endless supply of DIY ideas? Well look no further because I do too! Ever wanted a stylish bat house or raised garden bed? I have made both! Would you want a greenhouse? I have plenty of ideas for that! Do you like watching a guy get dirty restoring canoes or building trailers? Do you have a Mad Max fantasy you want to live out? Do you want a house straight from the shire? I have the skills and the 3d printers to make you swoon with possibilities!

Do you want to stay up late binge watch Vox Machina? Team up and take down bosses in Tiny Tina’s Wonderlands? Cuddle together and watch old school Star Trek? Do you want to loaf under a pile of blankets and play Mario games for bragging rights? Do you want to stay up all night playing all manner of card or board games? Do you want to go on a DnD adventure?

If you answered yes to any of these questions then the Southern Charm package is for you! So, if you are looking for a person who is creepy and kooky with a little bit of mysterious and spooky? Then how about it? Wanna get cold and snuggle with me?