I agreed to an open relationship 5 years ago since I had low self worth and had a year to become attached and in love with my partner. He was on Tinder "looking for friends" , so I figured I'd enjoy the remainder of our relationship until he'd leave (stupid, I know! This is my first actual relationship besides the short poly ones I tried out later that did not feel real on my end).

After my partner fucked up trying polyamory, I discovered the kink through porn and became fixated on it. It's the one thing my mind always wanders to when I get off. I like the idea of asking my partner to compare me to another woman instead of doing it behind my back. Asking him to rub his sexual daliances in my face feels like having at least some power in our dynamic, because he could never hurt me.

I let the above sentiment slip one time, and he kind of lost a little bit of interest in it because he does not like to hurt me or engage in something that has resulted in him hurting me. However, the sex and aftercare is amazing when he's into it.

Unfortunately, for the past few months, he does not even have to have sex with anyone else for me to feel upset. All it takes is flirting or a passing comment, and then I'm silently crying in secret because I genuinely feel pathetic. I'm just another lady who agreed to ENM because I never prioritized what I wanted. Perhaps my nervous system is also reminded of past situations where I felt alone and taken for granted. My partner could do anything that makes me feel shitty, and I would just rub one out until I associate it with sexual pleasure. Hell, one time he invited me to hang out only to sheepishly reveal after dinner that he needed to borrow my car to fuck someone else.

Has anyone else been in this situation? Is it just a matter of needing more aftercare?