This will be long. I apologize. I just have to get this off my chest.

I have been crossdressing on and off since I was 11 years old. How I started is a story unto itself and not for this sub. I am going to be 59 next month. I have gone long periods of time where I did not dress. I went through many "Buy and Purge" phases. I got caught up in trying to fit my essential "self" into the mold that society (at that time) saw fit to push me into. In the last two to three years though, I started to purchase and REALLY purchase. I went for variety, proper fit, ensembles, etc... I put in the effort. For the first time in decades, I was dressing far beyond a single sexy little outfit or even slutty lingerie. I even bought my first heels EVER!!!! OMG, did they ever make the biggest difference. I loved it so I decided that "someday was today" and I dove back in. Hell, I even shopped publicly and "came out" to the shop girls in my favorite lingerie store.

What initially happened was as the excitement waned and as I took days off from work so that I could dress at home with a few hours of alone time, I started to do that thing that always made me want to purge. I started to look in the mirror. Some of you may know that despairing feeling of knowing that you simple do not pass and that you are bordering on the "grotesque". Some of that is true and some of that is a poor self image but it almost drove me back into the "barbie closet". Then I discovered female masking. While searching for breast forms (I am up to 4 sets of forms and 4 sets of plates), I first saw masks. I thought that this would be an excellent stop-gap while I looked into make-up classes at MAC and decided on my "look". Well, the second I dressed and donned that mask, I turned into the mirror and was shocked. "I" was gone. It was all "Brianna". She literally took over. I could give up control entirely because I simply was not there. I stood there, mesmerized by the reflection in the mirror. I cried a bit. I stood there in wonder while my hands stroked my new face, my breasts, my silky clothing... I drank it all in. I found myself staring and quietly chanting, "I'm free, I'm free". That was a life changing event. I was all in at that point.

I started to branch out. I began to make some CD friends on F/L. I joined many of these subreddits. I planned an outing to a "party" for gurls. Certain "parts" of my body started to get very sensitive after many years of feeling dead. All in all, it was an amazing transformation. I am lean and muscular and this suited me well in certain outfits. I was getting to the point where I realized that I needed hips to round out my look. That was going to be one of the next purchases. I even had a custom latex catsuit with breasts made for me. The future looked bright.

Then came Covid.

This might have been a boon to me if I lived alone. I could have spent months working from home while en-femme. I could have perfected some of my looks and really nailed my cosmetics. I would have shaved my goatee off. But I do not live alone. Like some of you, I am married in a conventional sense. We married late in life and in a period where I was brutally suppressing Brianna. I have permission to go out and to "play". My wife stopped being interested in sex a long time ago and she knows that I am a kinky soul. We have strict rules around this but her idea of play and mine are two different things. She does not know about the cross dressing and it would a bridge too far for her. So, I found myself locked up for almost a year now with my wife and she is working from home too. There is no private time to dress. No private time to bring Bri out and allow her to breathe. I hate the lost time but I can deal with it in order for all of this to be behind us...

Until recently... You see, I was taking a moment to trim down and shave my body the other day and I noticed something. (An aside: I am exceedingly hairy and I hate it. I keep almost all of it tightly trimmed or shaved. Somehow that is not a thing that gets questioned around here). So, I was bending over to get at some very sensitive areas when I noticed the backs of my thighs... They were crinkled. They had what looked like stretch marks and the skin was crepey. I was horrified. They would be covered with semi-opaque stockings if I were "dressed" but Brianna does enjoy company and once they came off or someone got a closer look... well, I was afraid that they would be grossed out. I know that I was.

I suppose a lot of this comes from the admiration and envy of the "Fem Bois" who turn gender on it's head and do as they please. They are young, lithe, beautiful and soooo feminine. I think that they are smashing but I am also jealous because that simply did not exist when I was in my late teens and early 20's. That was a time when I could have been a fem boi successfully. Now, I look in the mirror and tick off the days and realize that none of this is going to get better. Hell, I have to have my sixth orthopedic procedure on 2/1 and that will put me out of commission form three to six months. (I have ridden my body hard over the years and my joints are paying the price. Your body may be a temple but mine is an amusement park and I have been on EVERY ride). It gets harder and harder to come back from all that. Plus, I simply want to have a few hours to break out all of Bri's things and dress. A few hours to get back in touch with her. I can't and time is quickly running by.

I am giving myself till I hit 62. Just three years. After that, I will have to set Brianna aside unless she can age into "us". I just see all this time wasted and it makes me want to cry. There, I feel better for having said something. If anyone here is in a similar situation and has some thoughts, please share them. if you are a younger person then learn from my lesson and do not shove your true nature into a box. Live while you can and make the most of it. Thank you.