I struggle with my crossdressing.

I've struggled with my crossdressing since long before puberty when I used to steal my mom's pantyhose but back then I didn't know it was 'wrong' by society's standards. I under-dressed in high school, I'd buy/indulge/despair/purge on a pretty regular cadence constantly through pre-puberty through my 20s. It just wouldn't go away no matter how much I wanted it to. I've never wanted to feel dainty, I've never wanted to be a woman, I just like the look and feel of hyper-sexualized women's clothing. I love the feeling of taboo and getting away with something that is so off the mark for what society says a man should be 100% of the time that it really does it for me. The second the clothes come off and I'm back to my normal clothes I just flood with regret.

My wife has been amazing in ways I can't even completely get my head around regarding being accepting and encouraging but despite her best efforts to make me feel comfortable I almost always get this overwhelming sense of embarrassment and shame when we talk about me dressing up or when I actually do it. I have so much fear every time I even think about putting on something I like that 99 times out of 100 I don't even bother.

I don't know why. She hasn't given me any reason to feel fear or embarrassment. She told me the other day with a smile on her face (after I shaved my legs for the first time) that she was jealous that my legs looked better than hers. Mid sex sessions sometimes she'll look me straight in the eyes and ask me to put on a pair of panties and we have amazing passionate sex.

Why in the hell do I still feel so afraid and shameful about my indulgences?? It's a part of me that has been there so long and obviously isn't going away why the fuck can't I accept it and embrace it as part of who I am?

My therapist has this little chart we go over every now and then when I'm feeling particularly worked up about stress and one of the things on there is 'I don't feel worthy' and probably for the first time in my life I actually felt this way the other day when my wife was comforting me about my shame in crossdressing. It's like I don't feel like I deserve her acceptance. I have an enviable amount of self confidence in just about every other aspect of my life but this one is just wrought with shame and negativity.

I can't imagine I'm the only one here who feels this way (some of the details may change but the sentiment surely can't be unique). How have you personally overcome the shame that you feel? What did you do or what did someone say that helped?