Hello all. This is my first time posting and I’m seeking some experience, strength, and hope from this community.

I’m a bisexual man (33) and I’ve been with my wife (32, also bisexual) since 2016; we got married in 2022. We are expecting our first child at the end of May. We are both excited and terrified. I can’t wait to meet and hold my son.

Earlier in the relationship I struggled with sexual compulsivity and addictive behaviors, specifically acting out with trans women, crossdressers, and femme men. Both of us have been going to counseling, did a therapeutic separation, and a formal disclosure of my “acting out”. Since then, we’ve been working with a couple’s counselor and I joined a 12 step program called SLAA. We are both putting a lot of work repairing our relationship and trust. I’m proud of the work we have done and I’m incredibly grateful to her and my support team.

For the past 6 months, I’ve discerned that my proclivity toward the femme is not pathological or a fetish that many in SLAA assume it is: it’s a part of me and I like it.

I have spoken to my wife openly about this and I mentioned to her that I want to explore crossdressing as an ethical alternative to exploring my queer identity: as sexual and non-sexual fantasy and play. My wife is threatened by this because it’s triggering the trauma I inflicted on her and she’s afraid I will use it as an excuse to act out with other members of the queer community. I love my wife and want to stay committed to her. I felt a lot of healthy guilt (toxic shame) for my past behavior and I’m working to earn her trust. It’s been an imperfect road and I’m extremely lucky she’s willing to work on it with me. She will oftentimes say, “why do you need to ‘perform’ your queer self? Isn’t knowing and acknowledging enough?” Unfortunately for her, that’s not my truth.

At a young age, around 7-8, I was fascinated by women’s clothing and lingerie (I didn’t know it was sexual) and was caught wearing my mom’s clothing when she came home from work. My mom unintentionally shamed me by saying, “what’s the matter with you?!” and she did not want to talk about it after it happened. The baseline of normal in my family is that we didn’t talk about our feelings or go to therapy. I learned how to lie, hide, avoid, and manipulate because it was modeled to me by my mother. I experienced a lot of abusive microagressions /verbally, emotionally, and sometimes, physically from my mom and dad; they are both victims of child abuse and neglect.

At an intensive therapy retreat I attended last week, I disclosed to one of my therapists that I have been secretly crossdressing at home while my wife is at work since the beginning of the year. At first, it was to play out sexual fantasy in the privacy of my own home but, lately, I really love wearing female clothes and doing errands around the house or watching TV; it feels so good and empowering and I feel so sexy and connected to my body. I don’t identify as trans or non-binary or want to transition. I like my masculine and feminine traits equally. And I wish I could share it with my wife.I want to tell my wife this secret after our child is born.

My fear is that when I tell her she will divorce me and take my child away. She said this earlier in the year.

I agreed that, until disclose to my wife I will put a pause on the crossdressing.

I’m feeling fear and anxiety because I love my wife so much AND there’s this part of me I have repressed most of my life. I’m worried it’s going to be an ultimatum and my wife won’t accept me.

I want to be clear: I don’t want to fuck other people or open the relationship. I want to be able to dress up like a hot, hipster female version of me in the privacy of my home; actualizing solo fantasy or, at some point, with my wife.

I’m open to any and all feedback. Thank you for reading and letting me share my truth.