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A couple months ago I found a handful of dildos and women’s lingerie in my husbands truck. I assumed he was cheating and left the home with our one year old son. After some time and a lot of arguments, he admitted that he uses them on himself and he’s deeply ashamed of this and is trying to quit. I don’t know if this is relevant, but my husband also has a problem with alcohol and anger. He comes from a religious background and is very judgmental about anything gay/ transgender. He refuses to talk about this anymore. Now that he has admitted this to me I cannot help but notice all the feminine things about him- long hair, wears a lot of jewelry, shaves his legs and things like that. My husband and I already have a lot of problems with trust and communication regarding his drinking and lying about that, and his anger getting the best of him. He yells at me and swears at me and calls me names, but I still want to believe he is generally good-willed. How can I bring this up, or learn about this if he won’t tell me anything about it? I can’t help but think my husband is secretly and shamefully gay and or trans and his drinking and anger are side effects from keeping it bottled up. How often is CD during anal masturbation just a kink? I really know nothing about this and I’m feeling really lost and lonely.
Edit: Crossdresser here. I doubt he’s gay or trans, but it seems he has a lot of shame and is self-loathing with a drinking and anger problem. Personally, it really pisses me off that there are men who are “very judgmental about anything gay/transgender” yet are crossdressing and having trans-adjacent kinky fun. I think you need to have a frank and open conversation with your husband about his activities and interests. The fact that this stuff is in his truck means he is at least hiding from you a solo activity (he puts on lingerie and fucks himself with the dildo), but it might mean that he is hooking up with guys as a crossdresser outside of your home. Maybe if you are open to discussing it and can get him to open up about it, it would relieve his conflict, self-loathing, and the cognitive dissonance he has to have to be a transphobic person who crossdresses and wants cock in his ass. And that might mean less drinking and anger. So talk to him. And maybe tell him you want to see him dressed in his lingerie sometime. Be enthusiastic about it like it would turn you on. See how it goes.
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Well, don’t delude yourself that this is going away. Any of us crossdressers can tell you about the many times we tried to quit and purge. If he’s serious, ask him to cut his hair and stop shaving his legs. My guess is that he’s gonna purge his collection of things and in a few months he’ll acquire more and do a better job of hiding them from you. And the drinking and anger will get worse because of the conflict. Given what you say at the end, maybe it’s time to see a marriage counselor. If he says no to that, then maybe you should consider getting a divorce.