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Husband and I have been together for 11 years, high school sweethearts, first relationship for each of us.
On Halloween we dressed up as our favorite couple from an anime, which is 2 girls. At first I thought he was going to be the gender swapped version of his character. But then he expressed interest in being the girl version, which I said was cool. So we went as 2 ladies for Halloween. I did his makeup and helped him stuff one of my bras. I joked and said āI guess weāll find out if Iām a little gayā verdict: Iām not lol. I felt no attraction to him once he was dressed up like a woman. In fact, looking back later I didnāt engage with him at all romantically while he was cross dressed. It wasnāt a conscious choice, I just didnāt feel the desire to kiss him or hold hands.
Later that night he was like āthat was fun! I might wanna do that againā. I said cool! Letās look for some anime conventions to go to where we can dress up. I was thinking of it like cosplay, not like every day dressing up as a woman casually.
The next day he was like aww man I really miss feeling pretty. Thatās when I started to get nervousā¦
Day after he has a complete crisis of identity and is like āI might be trans, I want to cross dress regularly, I want to explore my genderā I was very calm externally. I let him say his piece, and received it well and was very kind. But later that night I just lost it privately, crying in the bathroom alone. I didnāt let him see how scared I am.
Next day he wants to shop for womenās clothes and shaved his legs. I was super supportive and helped him shop online and gave tips on how to shave legs. We shopped for a while and he picked out a dress and a mini skirt. He shows me pictures of cross dressers wearing mini skirts and I just went catatonic. I couldnāt feel anything but dread and fear. I think I was having a panic attack.
I know that for me I am not attracted to women. So if he transitioned and lived fully as a woman, I would not want to be in a romantic relationship anymore. That is fucking devastating. I donāt want to lose him, but I donāt want to suppress his identity and have him resent me in 20 years for not letting him be his true self.
Heās kinda walked back the might be trans statement. For now heās just talking about cross dressing. But Iām just scared that this is the beginning of a full transition and heās lying to save our marriage.
I feel okay with cross dressing itself. Iām just scared that in 5 years heās going to be living as a woman and Iām going to get a divorce anyway. I feel so guilty writing that. I wish I could just be attracted to him no matter what. I hate that I canāt just change how I feel.
We had a big talk last night because I just want to know where this is going. He said he wonāt cross dress and heāll ājust live his life for everyone else like he always hasā and ānever do anything for himselfā. It was guilt tripping me. He has said that if we divorced he would kill himself.
Extra info: he has clinical depression and has gotten to the point of almost committing suicide 3 times. We also have a 5 month old baby.
I feel trapped and sad. I cry when Iām alone. I just want to get past this, either me or him changing their minds or whatever. I wish we hadnāt gone out for Halloween. Any advice would be great.
Thank you for sharing this. It helps me/us understand what a wife/partner goes through in this coming out process.
First, I would say to keep in mind that this is a very recent development and youāre still in the early stages of processing it. How you feel now isnāt necessarily how you will always feel. Same for your husband.
Second, many/most crossdressers are not gay, and not trans. They are just enthralled with femininity and enjoy becoming a woman temporarily, like cosplay. But some are trans and crossdressing is their first foray into becoming who they are, who theyāve always been. If your husband is the latter, you canāt do anything to make him not this way. Thereās a good chance heās always been trans and has grappled with it his whole life, and this may be connected to the depression and suicidal thoughts.
Third, given that you donāt want to be with him as a woman, and he is desperate to not be divorced, it seems like you both may need to compromise. Perhaps with some counseling and honest discussion, you can reach a compromise where he gets to crossdress for certain periods on a schedule, but remains masculine for the sake of you and the family otherwise, and you agree to indulge that side of him and even work at enjoying it with him in ways youāre comfortable with.
If he is trans, itās difficult to make him not ultimately become who he/she really is. But we all make decisions and sacrifices in our lives, and perhaps you and the family are important enough that heāll decide itās better to āvisitā his feminine self, than leave you altogether to be her permanently.
If you do find this middle ground, be prepared for your husband to be like a kid finally let loose in the candy store. If heās been suppressing this side for so long, and finally has permission to explore, heās gonna want to make up for lost time.
Start with a long conversation laying out how much you love him, how you feel, and what compromises youāre both willing to make. Consider seeing a couples therapist who has experience with kink and gender.
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