I just need to vent for a bit because I'm so angry and exhausted with how things have transpired in the past month.

I've been dating this man for a while and he checks all my boxes and in every aspect a perfect fit for me. I caught on about his crossdressing quite early and it wasn't until recently where I confronted him about it. It was never something that I just "tolerated" but I was postive about in spite of it being withheld from me for so long. It stung because he knows me well enough to know how I would've responded and it felt like this open secret we both knew about but never discussed. But I loved the idea of getting dressed up together, doing each others makeup or shopping etc. so I welcomed this side of him.

Soon afterwards, I find him on a dating platform for the lgbt. The way the whole thing happened feels like a fucking fever dream. We had an exceptionally good couple of weeks since he "came out", and he even bought a whole outfit and set for a new look. I was really hoping to see it but never did. Turns out he preferred showing it off to strangers on reddit and most likely people on the dating site. I called him out again and nearly broke up with him on the spot.

We see each other nearly every day, even texted a couple hours prior and it fucking hurts to know that I wasn't even an afterthought after everything I've done for him. With every decision I make, I always consider him in the back of my mind. I've expressed numerous times to him prior my boundaries and how I have difficulty trusting people because of horrible past experiences. I've told him: "Hey, you can post pics online and interact with other CD's, however don't do anything that would hurt me or disrespect the relationship. Don't do anything that you wouldn't want me doing."

I know for a fact he would hate to see me on dating apps just for the attention of strangers or sexting strangers and roleplaying with them and interacting more sexually than in the actual relationship. He compared it to watching porn, which is just insulting to my intelligence. Sexting strangers online isn't something you do passively unlike with watching porn.

He's been more than apologetic, and I'm trying to forgive him, but this just feels like soft cheating to me. To be honest, I'm not sure he even fully knows what he wants and everything he does know feels like he's compensating. I would have never, ever allowed myself to abuse his trust even if I was given the opportunity to.

And to be frank, as much as I adore and love this man and accept the CD side to him, I'm still a person with feelings and boundaries and deserving of respect. I look at him and and I can't really take him seriously because the dating site thing. He poured salt into old wounds and disrespected the relationship. Ig he wants to be slutty with others, he should have never entered a relationship with me. Since then there's always a voice in the back of my head that's telling me he's a liar no matter what he does or says and it makes me really hate and resent him.

I'm tired. He might find this post. He might not. I don't care anymore. Thank you for reading, I really needed to vent.