I've always had somewhat of a good head on my shoulders. Always played it easy though. Worked like everyone else but never did anything special really. I've always been an alcoholic but the crippling part didn't begin till about 6 years ago. That mixed with depression and isolating it's been a major spiral downward. It's had it's ups and downs but this is the worst I've ever been all around.

I started gaining a lot of weight and became very sedentary. It didn't help that my job was sitting down all the time too but I atleast got up and down more. I started working less and less and then eventually all together. I still did what I needed to do to pay the bills though. Luckily (or unlucky) I had some savings as well.

For the last 4 months I've been on the hardest bender of my life. My best friend has been dying from cirrhosis for a long while and now refuses to stop or get help anymore. Trying to do what I can to help him has given me some purpose but my drinking has only gotten worse. The last time I was convincing him to go to rehab and he wasn't budging, he essentially said he wanted me to entertain him till he died. So as often as I can I talk shit and try to make him laugh. He has a very dark sense of humor so it can get pretty harsh and real at times but it's always in good spirit unless one of us is pissed at the other. The issue with all this is it has just only added to my depression. It's fun in the moment and we both laugh our asses of but then you wake up the next morning trying to remember all the crazy shit you said last night for laughs and reality sets in. The reality that you're just acting and that your friend is really going to die soon and if you don't do something this is going to be you but worse because nobody will be around.

Now I'm in a situation where I've spent all my savings, an using change for beers, and pawning all my shit. Rent and electric is coming up. There's weird shit going on around outside my house and I'm ashamed to even smoke on the steps. I'm unsuccessfully trying to detox myself with phen and gabbies just enough so I can work. I'm not showering, taking care of my teeth, eating much, changing my clothes, drive around in circles down back roads just to get out of the house and do my best to avoid another dwi. I have a beer can collection in my front floor board. I'm a big and tall guy and my body has atrophied over the last year so much it's sad and humiliating. I shit so much every day that I now waddle a little. I look like and smell like I'm homeless, but I'm not yet. My house is trashed, probably reeks, has holes in the walls from when my friend used to stay with me and punch and kick shit and now has a hole in the cabinet because I got frisky solo drunk the other night and let some rage out. I'm pretty sure I'm starting to get brain damage if I wasn't already brain damaged to begin with. I'm mentally deranged.

The community I live in basically knows I'm trash or atleast I'm convinced from the looks I get. I almost broke down crying at a gas station getting beer. I constantly make a fool of myself. They know I'm not homeless but I definitely look and act like it.

I'm scheduled for a detox bed Tuesday but will probably not make it. I'm just not prepared AT all. My clothes barely fit. I have no clue what to do about my rent. Even if I'm able to get a storage unit for my things I have no ability to move all the stuff on my own. I've started over many times before but I refuse to lose everything I've built this time. I was homeless for 3 years and had nothing. It took 2 years to get here.

I'm worried about my friend but also immensely pissed. I've took care of him for 2 years. Now he has SSDI and refuses to pay me back even what I let him borrow recently. He still refuses to go to the hospital even though his legs are probably going necrotic from the edema. I'm mostly out of fucks to give at this point.

I'm completely overwhelmed. I did this to myself. I know that but I didn't realize it was going to be like this. That I was going to be like this. The world is burning and falling apart around me and I don't even want to get out of the bed everyday, much less the chair. I don't know what I expected was going to happen. I have moments of optimism and know I can get out of this but it'll be the hardest road I've ever encountered and that's saying something because I've had some pretty tough ones already. I just hope I'm strong enough to do this again. It's like isolation kindled withdrawals.

This post is all over the place and is very long already. If you're still here, thanks for listening. I think I just needed to get some of this out. Chairs!