I am a very long time lurker. Very. I was a weekend warrior up until I was about 25 maybe then became a daily. Two bottles of wine possibly a day, or four litres of cider. Had two big sober streaks of a year, and a half a year somewhere in there. But that's not the point of this post. I've had many withdrawals, can't really count. But this year I levelled up. Was hospitalised in January which I can't remember much of but apparently I still had my wits about me enough to walk shaking like a leaf to my local hospital and muttered alcohol withdrawal and collapsed. That's what I remember. Left my doors open and unlocked, walked there barefoot. Im lucky I live close. But something changed. It wasn't just the pyshical withdrawal anymore that worried me. I was having major panic waves, major. DP/DR, racing thoughts when I closed my eyes. Like my brain was running at full throttle and I couldn't stop it. Hypnic jerks when I did sleep, bouncing up with panic. And I had partial seizures. Very lucky in that regard. This was in January and I sobered up for a few months then started binging every few days thinking I had control of this. Then one day after a heavy binge. Closed eye visuals again, gore, horrible shit. Shit I didn't wanna see, incredibly vivid horrifying dreams, jerked awake. What's fucking weird though is that the pyshical part is hardly there anymore when it use to be so prominent. The sweats, shakes. I sweat a little sometimes, shakes not so much. Heart rate is fine. BP spikes high but not dangerously so. It's all just a psychological nightmare now even after a few days of drinking heavily. Sometimes even one. Drinking use to be my escape but now there's just horror when I try too. It's not escape anymore. Anyway, im drinking now. I had about 8 units last night tonight will be a bit more. I think ill have to give this shit up unfortunately, or fortunately. Does this resonate with anyone? Feels like im losing my fucking mind. Sorry about the no paragraphs or typos. On my phone. Hope everyone's managing their holidays as best they can. Fucking rough time of year.

Edit: Im 32 now