First time drunk, 13, crawling on the ground like a pig, sitting in the ocean and wondering why I'm so wet, why I'm sweating so much.

Age 26, in the comity for my job places' annual party. Drank 6 strong beers the first hour, a glimpse of opening the fridge for $150.000 worth of alcohol, a voice that maybe I should use a mixer, downing 0,5l booze instead. Slapping a guy who was into me, punching an elderly colleague in the arm, giving a sloppy (I never knew how to move gracefully, or dance) lap dance to the oldest owner. The next morning - waking up outside my apartment building door. Wet, no shoes, no telephone, key etc. Got let in by a kind lady. Woke up again outside my door with heaps of broken glass from my "ornaments", bark from some plants and some other things I had torn apart.

So my parents went away and my dad parked his car (my favorite car ever) at the airport. Good idea to let me know. Of course I stole the keys and went and got it and smashed it, total condemnation into a tree.

Kissed a friend who I'm not remotely attracted to, in front of his girlfriend.

Woke up in the hospital with a blackout and a broken bone. And the nurse said my blood alcohol percent was high enough that I should be dead, was I an alcoholic? I shamefully admitted I was.

At detox it was a shitfest. People rolling in with their brahs full of pills, kids trying methadone for the first time.

At rehab, the same. Pre parties all over the place, ghb in the bushes for anyone to use etc.

Woke up with one of my future bf's never remembering seeing him -not at all uncommon - I have no idea how we ended up together.

And I have no idea how many boots, belts, necklaces etc. I have ruined in my attempt to just get them the F off of me. Oh, and how many matresses I have ruined. No. I have never pissed myself. However, number two comes to mind more than twice.

I have fucked up all my jobs for the last 15 years. I have puked over most of my walls. I find leftover foods in the most amazing places. I don't remember most of my phone calls and my friends are pissed from all of my cancelling. I don't have many left.

Ah, the health issues. Insulin resistance to Diabetes 2. Ticks. Small seizures. Not being able to function without it. Heart fluttering, not the just the cute crazy heartbeat. Hallucinations. Auditory hallucinations. Anxiety. Panic attacks. And everything else.

All the disappointment and worry from the people who actually care about you and their distancing.

And of course when my animal of 16 years died and I was away and almost not able to get home to get him put down. Sat on the floor of the taxi for 40 miles and got him in. Had him put down, shitfaced instead of a moment that I could have cherished forever.

Wanna talk about all the relationships I have ruined for the past 15 years? No? I don't either.

I get that this is a wall and uninteresting as fuck. This I is 000,1% of my experience and what I can remember right now.

No one came this far, if so you are super bred/bored and hello!