First, don't worry, it's not time yet and no, i'm not suicidal.

Let's start with the facts: A routine screening of my body showed very increased values of my liver, but that maybe doesn't even come from just alcohol itself. Meds like Lithium and others have an influence, i have to take these because of my bipolar disorder. It's early signs of a liver cirrhosis. Stopped with these meds now, we'll see how it will be the next time with the checks.

But next to this, as a chain smoker, i feel it how my lung got worse and worse, with coughing and other things. I smoke at least 2x packs (40 cigarettes) and some weed in the bong every day. I'm of course a hardcore alcoholic that drinks at least a sixpack beer and half a bottle of scotch, so maybe, it's not even the meds that affect my liver?

Next to the alcohol, i'm also addicted to opioids (morphine, but also heroin sometimes) and finally, yes, i'm also an addict to benzos (valium, rohypnol).

I'm in a rather privileged position, as i get opioids and benzos from the state, only the alcohol and weed is something i need to get by myself.

Now about the decision:
Sooner or later i'll have to make a decision, to either change my lifestyle or to face the consequences of my drug habits and bad choices for my health.

I don't know. At the moment, i think more that once i moved to my new home and got everything done, that i won't challenge my addictions and instead give up. That i use the time i have left for making my art and write my novels and when the day finally comes, that i either got down with euthanasia (assisted suicide in Switzerland, yes, this is legal and would be approved) or i'd put a bullet through my head.

I don't see much gain in challenging my addictions. Because i'm old, it's not like i'd be some young guy that would have the best time ahead, i'm in my 40's and i don't see many good things in the future.

So, i'm not sure if i can make this "happy" decision about facing and fighting my drug habits and get sober, become one of these good "see, it did it" guys, or if i'll go down with all the drugs.

I have no motivation to change my lifestyle just for a few more years that would be miserable anyway and there's nothing good waiting for me, except maybe some time with my dog.

What do you think about this? What are the people that already have the liver cirrhosis, how is it with your fight and did you really get sober when you got the news?