I've never been someone who cares too deeply about appearance, I've never felt "I've lost my looks" because I don't think I had anything special to loose in the first place. Have to admit the mouth full of broken teeth and the broken veins on my face are getting me down though. I've spent a good part of two decades destroying myself between the alcohol, eating disorder and other things that it shouldn't be any surprise but somehow it still hurts. I don't want to be considered beautiful or desirable, I just want to be able to look myself in the face in the mirror and honestly I don't do that anymore. I have one mirror in my place, my bathroom mirror and I avoid it as much as possible.

Ultimately it isn't that bad. I don't look horrific but I can see the damage, I can see the broken veins, red patches, puffiness and discoloured teeth. With a bit of make up I can look OK and others don't see the damage, I'm really lucky it isn't worse after the abuse I've put my body through, but I know. I see it and I know it isn't just natural aging and it is just sad.

Looking perfect has never been a big thing to me but seeing myself age before I should because of self abuse is pretty awful.

I think back to being a teenager and despising how I looked and think "you've no idea how bad it'll get".

Ah well, thanks for letting me vent and chairs :)