Amputation

I found this on tumblr. Some remember and want to forget. Some forget and want to remember.

I want to take a knife
And peel my skin away
Layer by layer
Until I reach you
And then I will cut your memory
Out of my body

• -- surving trauma day by day on tumblr*
  

I did this.
I did it well
Not perfectly.
(Never perfectly.
Never good enough…)
I did it.

Whatever happened
So long ago.
Whatever happened
I blotted out.
Inside a box
On a shelf
At the back
Of my mind.

There it sat
For 60 years
Actually
Sixty six
Since the first event.

Came back to me
Came back in nightmare
Weird.
Symbolic.
Abstract; Red lit.
Pink and burgundy
Clearly sexual.
Clearly forced.
Non Consensual
(Imagine –
Three year old,
Consenting)

Red lit dream,
I woke in terror.
Heart racing.
Eyes wide
Adrenaline surging
Soaked in sweat.
I did not sleep
again that night.

Up all night
I searched the ether
For the meaning of dreams
Meaning of nightmares.

As a rule
I don’t have nightmares.
I have weird dreams at times.
Flying a plane 10 feet up
Above a city street
Below the maze of power lines.
Weird dreams
Fighting a flood of finger paint
Moving through a forest
Like lava on a Hawaiian hillside.

I don’t have nightmares.
I never wake in terror.
Never have I woke in panic
Never before soaked in sweat
And stinking.
Reeking. Of fear.

Six and Sixty
Years I hid that
I hid from Me
That part of me
That was used
For someone’s pleasure
And my pain

Not til now
Was I ready
To face this …
Find out what happened.
Face my fear.

It’s not like
It all came back.
It’s more like
A door at night
A light is on
Another room
Light leaks out
Below the door.
Now I know
There is a room
There is a place
Times forgotten.

I can’t go in there.
The door still locked.
But now and then
A fact slips out.
A feeling, a mood
Not explained by what happens

Now and then
A vision
A snip of sound
Jigsaw pieces
Of a puzzle
I must solve.

15 days in the ether
Internet Rabbit Hole
Meanings of dreams.

ACE test
Adverse…
Childhood…
Experiences…
I scored 3
Pffff…
Search on.

CSA
Childhood
Sexual
Abuse
I wasn’t abused.
I couldn’t have been.
Quirky childhood
Never fit in.
But not abuse.

Signs and symptoms
They matched up.
No self worth
No self esteem
Dysregulated
Need to cover
Hide my skin
Burning shame.
I am bad
I am broken

I asked my sister
Open ended
Never leading
Never saying what
I was afraid to hear.

“Did anything happen
Anything weird
Happen to me
When I was young?
Very young?
Barely verbal?”

She said yes
She told me
My third summer
I changed.
Very sudden
Overnight
No longer
Would I play
Without clothing
Where before
I would strip
Leave a trail
Of shoes and pants
Leave a trail
Of socks and shirts

No longer
Would I bubble
Laugh with glee
At new sights

Now I cried
Or had a tantrum
At tiny things.

A bolt of fear
Quite electric
Shot through me
My whole belief
About my childhood
My foundation
Cracked.

A surge of relief
Not my fault!
All this mess.
My half lived life
Was not my doing.

I know more now
More of my childhood.
More things slip
Under the door.

I know now of CEN
Childhood
Emotional
Neglect

I know now
When trauma strikes
The right support
The right words
Kind words spoken
Soft words heard
Make a difference.
But those words
Never came.

All this mess
Years of loathing
Internal warfare
Crushed emotions
To hide the pain.

All this mess
Never trusting
Never loving
Never grieving
Never feeling
Only thinking

Only now
Am I really
Coming to life
Learning how
To be a people.