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RANTTT I recently found out my male work bestie at one of my jobs wants to be with me. Half the people i work with know this already and tease him for it, but he doesnāt know i know. He told people heās ānot a homewreckerā so heās not gonna try anything, but he still does weirdly flirtatious things with me and its getting hard to ignore or pretend Iām naive enough to not notice. And no, Iām not experiencing confirmation bias. I had my own little guess before anyone told me, but I told myself it was nothing and Iām being narcissistic in assuming he has a crush on me. Turns out I was just in denial. Itās a long story but Iām trying to stay normal around him and extra cautious of my words and actions so I donāt lead him on. Iāve always felt like I have good boundaries between my male coworkers and I, but maybe I didnāt this time?
At my other job, I was hired three years ago and there were two other people in my orientation. One of those guys worked in a different departments but we worked the same shift. He started talking to me in the breakroom and eventually we became really good friends. Like best friend good friends. Heās bi and I was under the assumption that he was like 80/20 into guys vs females, so I felt a lot more comfortable around him. Weāre friends for two-ish years before one day he admitted he wanted to hook up with me when we first started talking. I always bring up my boyfriend at least once in conversations with men I just met, just so i can get it out of the way and have that first boundary. He said after i mentioned my bf, he backed off but still wanted to be friends. WELL. Cue a little later it is very clear he is actually still into me. Once again, I had brushed off the red flags because I truly thought I was being narcissistic for even thinking he would want me. Its clearly caused me a lot of inner turmoil. I had to break off our friendship. because if it had already been two years at that point, it felt like he was just waiting for my bf and i to break up so he could swoop in. Even as im typing this i feel a little crazy.
Ive had many other coworkers like this but on a smaller scale in the past. I just donāt get it. What am i doing wrong? Despite them knowing about my boyfriend, the second one even met him, they still want me. One actively talks about wanting me to my other coworkers. The other literally admitted to wanting to fuck me since the beginning. It honestly just makes me so sad because I already naturally make friends easier with men over women. Not because I donāt want to be friends with other women, but because I only ever meet new people at work and all of my jobs have been male dominated. AHHH just let me live just be my Friend please i just want friends and iām in love with my boyfriend stoppppppp
Edit: okay i think everyoneās taking the word ābestieā and running with it, we are not best friends. We do not hang out after work, i donāt have their numbers or socials, i would never go out of my way to contact them outside of work. I shouldāve just left the word ābestieā out because now everyoneās getting the wrong idea. I get the general consensus, but i think iām allowed to be upset that according to half the comments, i canāt just be friendly with everyone i work with. Again, weāre not best friends! Weāre not even close! The second guy was my friend because i thought he was pretty much completely gay! I literally just want to be able to socialize NORMALLY and not find out later that a coworker wants to bang. Also, i would make friends with women if i had women coworkers to make friends with in the first place. This whole thing just made me lose faith in men and iām kinda done seeing ā99% of men donāt want to be your friend and only want to fuck if youāre attractiveā over and over and over again
A boundary is something you set for yourself, yet you're trying to set rules for your co-workers. Saying "hey I want a friend, who can't find me attractive" 1) is not something you can control 2) nor should it be something you try to enforce upon others 3) them being attracted to you doesn't require you to be attracted to them or tempted- you can just continue to go about your day 4) if this irrationally bothers you so much only befriend people not attracted to women.
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If someone is actively looking to be your bestie @ work yes that's weird, but if you're being friendly at work with someone & you develop a great rapport with them & you get more connected with them whether they find you attractive or not well adjusted men aren't thinking it's leading to an office romance or want an office romance. The no guy statement is insulting and just patently false. I've gotten really close with women I work with as have plenty of male friends and whether they're married or otherwise taken, single or not we aren't just waiting for the opportunity to be intimate with them regardless of finding them attractive or not. It's about making the work day better & being friendly with people you spend a lot of your time with, even if you never see them outside of office hours. I've had attractive co-workers let it be known they found me attractive & I'm not interested in being more than friends with someone I work with, and that's where the relationships stayed, work friends. I haven't found women to be much more nobel with their intentions than men in life or in the office.