The kids of South Park are all in their seats, singing.

                         KIDS
               Shut your fucking face,
               Unclefucka!!
               You're a shitsucking, cocksucking
               Unclefucka!!

    The door opens, and suddenly the kids quiet down.

    CLOSE-UP on a hand puppet with a large red hat. It seems to
    be speaking.

                         MR. HAT
               Okay, children, let's take our seats.

    As the voice continues, we PULL BACK to reveal that the
    puppet is on the right hand of MR. GARRISON, a forty-six year
    old teacher who is in denial about his homosexuality.

                         MR. GARRISON (AS MR. HAT)
               We have a lot to learn and precious
               little time.

    Garrison looks over the class and notices that every single
    one of them is wearing a Terrance and Phillip T-shirt,
    except, of course, for Wendy.

                         MR. GARRISON
               Why is everyone wearing T-shirts of
               Sigfried and Roy?

                         KYLE
               It's not Sigried and Roy, Mr. Garrison,
               it's Terrance and Phillip.

                         KIDS
               TERRANCE AND PHILLIP!!

    Stan looks over at Wendy. She just rolls her eyes. Stan
    sulks.

                         MR. GARRISON
               Well, anyway... Today children, our
               friend Mr. Hat is going to tell us all
               about the environment.

                         MR. GARRISON (AS MR. HAT)
               That's right, Mr. Garrison. The
               environment is what surrounds us. It is
               what we live and breathe.

                         CARTMAN
               I hate the environment.

                         KYLE
               Dude, how can you hate the environment?

                         CARTMAN
               'Cuz, dude, it's all sticky and airy and
               fragile and stuff. I fucking hate it.

    The kids all GASP!

                         MR. GARRISON
               Eric! Did you just say the "F" word?

                         CARTMAN
               Fragile?

                         KYLE
               No, he's talking about fuck, dude. You
               can't say fuck in front of Mr. Garrison.

                         MR. GARRISON
               Kyle!

                         CARTMAN
               Why the fuck not?

                         MR. GARRISON
               Eric!

                         STAN
               Dude, you just said fuck again.

                         MR. GARRISON
               Stanly!

                         KENNY
               Mph.

                         MR. GARRISON
               Kenny!

                         CARTMAN
               That's bullshit! If Terrance and Phillip
               can say something, I should be able to
               say it too!

                         BEBE
               Wow, Cartman's cool!

                         CLYDE
               He's like Terrance and Phillip!

    Cartman gloats proudly.

                         CARTMAN
               Fuckin' a right.

                         MR. GARRISON
               How would you like to go to the
               principal's office?

                         CARTMAN
               How would you like to gargle rat jiz?

    Mr. Garrison is in shock.

                         MR. GARRISON
               WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?!

                         CARTMAN
               I said -

    Cartman takes out a megaphone, hits the switch and puts it
    to his mouth. It feeds back horribly.

                         CARTMAN
                    (Through megaphone)
               HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO GARGLE RAT JIZ?!

    Garrison is floored.

                         KYLE
               Oh, dude we are fucked now.

    INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - DAY

    The boys are seated in front of the Principal's desk.

                         STAN
               Now remember, don't tell anybody we saw
               the Terrance and Phillip movie!

                         KYLE
               Yeah, let's swear we won't tell!

    Just then, the Principal walks in. She is PRINCIPAL VICTORIA,
    a frizzy haired woman of about forty.

                         PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
               I am VERY disappointed in you boys!
               You should be ASHAMED of yourselves! I've
               already called in your parents, but first
               I want you to THINK about what you've
               done.

                          CARTMAN
               Principal Victoria, can I ask a question?

                         PRINCPAL VICTORIA
               What?

                         CARTMAN
               What's the big fucking deal?

                         STAN
               Yeah.

                         PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
               AGH!! I want to know where you heard
               these horrific obscenities!

    The boys look at each other.

                         STAN
               Nowhere.

                         KYLE
               I'VE heard them from Mr. Garrison a few
               times before...

                         STAN
               Yeah!

                         PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
               Boys, I seriously doubt that Mr. Garrison
               ever said-
                    (Reading)
               'Eat penguin shit you cum sucking ass
               spelunker' in school!

    The boys all laugh.

    But then the door opens and in walks Stan's mother, Kyle's
    mother, Cartman's mother and Kenny's mother.

                         STAN
               Oh, oh...

                         PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
               Thank you all for coming on such short
               notice. As you can see, your boys are all
               being disciplined.

                         STAN'S MOTHER
               This just isn't like you, Stanley!

    Stan looks down at the floor.

                         KYLE'S MOTHER
               What did my son say, Principal Victoria?
               Did he say the S word?

                         PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
               No, it was worse than that...

                         KYLE'S MOTHER
                    (Gasping)
               The F word?!

                         PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
               No, worse. Here's a short list of the
               things they've been saying.

    The mothers look over the sheet of paper. Immediately, their
    eyes bulge.

                         STAN'S MOTHER
               Oh dear God...

                         KYLE'S MOTHER
               What is 'fisting'?

                         CARTMAN'S MOTHER
               That's when the fist is inserted into the
               anus or vagina for sexual pleasure.

    The two moms stare at Ms. Cartman.

                         CARTMAN'S MOTHER
               What?

                         KYLE'S MOTHER
                    (To Kyle)
               Young man, you will tell Peincipal
               Victoria THIS INSTANT where you heard all
               these horrible phrases!

                         KYLE
               I can't dude! We all took a sacred oath,
               and swore ourselves to secrecy!

                         CARTMAN
               It was the Terrance and Phllip movie!

                         STAN
               Dude!

                         CARTMAN
               What? Fuck you guys, I wanna get out of
               here.

                         KYLE'S MOTHER
               Terrance and Phillip MOVIE?! Oy gevalt!
               Not again!

                         PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
               What is Terrance and Phillip?

                         KYLE'S MOTHER
               Terrance and Phillip are two VERY
               untalented, unfunny actors from Canada.
               Their TV show is filled with toilet humor
               and bad language and is just complete
               garbage.  Now it appears they have a
               movie and I'm positive it's not suitable
               for children!

                         PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
               Well, it looks like I'll have to send a
               warning letter out to parents. I have to
               put a stop to this before MORE children
               see 'Terrance and Phillip'.

                         CARTMAN
               Everybody's already fucking seen it.

                         MS. CARTMAN
               Eric!

                         CARTMAN
               I'm sorry! I can't help it!! That movie
               has warped my fragile little mind.

                         KYLE'S MOTHER
               Alright, boys, that's enough. Get out and
               let us adults speak.

    The boys get up and walk out. Kyle's mother slams the door
    behind them.

                         KYLE'S MOTHER
               We must take action on this immediately.

                         PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
               Ooh yes. I think we'll have to give
               detention to those boys.

                         KYLE'S MOTHER
               Forgive me for saying so, Principal
               Victoria, but your methods are too...
               Shall we say... soft?  As head of the
               PTA, I am exercising my right under
               article 42 of the PTA code.

    A look of shock comes over the principal's face.

                         PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
               Article 42!  You don't mean-?!

                         KYLE'S MOTHER
               Yes Principal Victoria.  The PTA is
               impeaching you.

                         PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
               But I-

                         KYLE'S MOTHER
               You are officially relieved of your
               duties as principal of this school!

    Kyle's mother sits herself down at Principal Victoria's desk.

                         KYLE'S MOTHER
               Get out of that chair! The PTA is in
               charge now!