Yeah, my 3-in-1 dove men's shampoo mows my lawn for me, too. I've asked it to stop cause I'm a real man, but it kept mowing my lawn. Now, it didn't just mow my entire lawn. It did it twice, then thrice. I then asked my 3-in-1 dove men's shampoo to stop because now I could not sleep. It did not stop. It simply mowed my lawn a fourth time, so I decided to try coming to terms with the noise and simply being a real man and toughing it out. I can't be a girl, right?

Well, it was a mistake, after about a week with no sleep and eye bags a mile deep, and I don't mean that figuratively, I decided to ask the 3-in-1 dove men's shampoo to stop mowing my lawn. It would not listen to me, so I decided to do the next thing a true man could do. I walked outside my house and told it to meet me in the Chick-fil-A parking lot at 9:00. When I went to Chick-fil-A. And there it was, not in the parking lot but with its small push mower, mowing the thin strips of grass surrounding the parking lot. But I had challenged it to a duel, so I grabbed my America-69 (the new model of semi-automatic rifle) and fired my entire clip into the thing. But when the smoke created by my Ameirca-69 for dramatic effect settled there, it was. Pushing its mower around the Chick-fil-A parking lot like a hungry shark. So I went back home.

When I arrived at my house, two police officers were standing at my front door.

"Sir, do you understand that several of your neighbors have filed noise complaints against you?" One asked me.

"No, and it's not my fault. My 3-in-1 dove men's shampoo will never stop mowing my lawn," I replied.

"Ha! Funny one, sir, but I'd be damned if a 3-in-1 dove men's shampoo bottle could mow lawns." The second officer said with a scoff. And just then, I saw it. The 3-in-1 dove men's shampoo with its push mower comes by the side of my house, making that infernal noise.

"He was right! It's a 3-in-1 dove men's shampoo and by God, it has a push mower!" The first officer said.

"You see officers? My 3-in-1 dove men's shampoo has not stopped mowing my lawn in over a week!" I exclaimed.

"But how can you be a real man if you never mow your lawn?" Asked the second officer

"I don't know, you see I just came back from the Chick-fil-A parking lot where I challenged it to duel, and my gun wouldn't kill it!" I told the officer frantically.

"Now sonny, that's probably because you used the British Tea Shanky-96, what you really want is the America-69." The first officer said, thinking he solved all my problems.

"No, officer I used the America-69 already!" I told him

"With the smoke for dramatic effect?" He pressed

"Even with the smoke for dramatic effect!" I replied

"By God!" The second officer exclaimed

"There is no more God! If the America-69 could not defeat this, whatever could‽" The first officer said in fear.

"I don't think anything could, but for the sake of capitalism we must try Wallice, we must!" The second officer said to the first motivationally. The first officer only nodded his head and the second nodded back.

"You're right, the founding fathers would never want a 3-in-1 dove men's shampoo from taking America's manhood." The first officer said. They then charged toward my 3-in-1 dove men's shampoo. They opened fire with their Trump Pew Pew-$$'s but still, it did nothing as the 3-in-1 dove men's shampoo crept closer and closer to them.

"Jimmy, we have to run! We can't stop it!" The first officer said in fear.

"No Wallace, we must stay and fight, the manliness of the American people rely on us." The second officer replied heroically. And so they stood their ground. But I still watched as my 3-in- dove men's shampoo slowly ran them over with its lawn mower. I remember their screams, I remember how they ended so suddenly and I remembered as small pieces of shredded clothing and fleshy bits littered my lawn afterward. I saluted the fallen patriots and decided that enough was enough, I would preserve the manliness of the American people and live on a mountain in Washington state. I live on that mountain now with a small wooden shack. I don't have a bed, I will never leave it because when I dare to open my window I see it, I see my tormenter and bane of all men, the one thing whose devastation I fear if I set it loose upon my death. My 3-in-1 dove men's shampoo, standing in front of my door, simply looking at me, however now the grass has begun to grow around it and it has begun moving, to mow a lawn once more. Lord help us all, else our manhood be revoked by the 3-in-1 dove men's shampoo.