I (40f) have two kids (16m, 11m) with my ex who displays a lot of narcissistic traits. I’ve never loved how he interacts with the kids - overly critical and harsh from my perspective. However they are looked after and there’s no physical abuse so no grounds for any custody disputes. We are 50/50 custody week on/ week off. I’ve noticed always but especially the last couple weeks that my oldest’s energy seems to immediately shift when we arrive at his dad’s. In both cases, their dad immediately started peppering them with questions (where’s this, do you have that, etc) and my oldest got snippy and curt with him, was agitated and angry. To me, this tracks because his dad is like this with him, so he’s matching energy. It’s hard to watch though. I do not have this experience with either of my kids when they are in my care, but i also don’t engage with them the way their dad chooses to. I also do not have an amicable coparenting relationship with their dad and am as low contact as possible for my own protection, so this isn’t something I can just discuss with him.

I’m cognizant of not badmouthing or saying anything that could be perceived as negative about their dad to my kids, nor do I want to assume or be accused of trying to get between their relationship, but I am worried about the effect this seems to be having on them. I approached it lightly with my oldest by saying “I’ve noticed the last two times I took you to dad’s your energy seemed to shift and you seemed upset - is there anything you want to talk about?” But he said he was fine. I don’t feel like trying to push beyond that will be productive.

So just wondering how I might best support my kids to better weather the different dynamic in their other home without trying to micromanage or caretake it. I know in some ways they need to navigate this with him on their own, and also that they’re kids whom I like to set up for success and fewer therapy bills as they get older.

TLDR: how can I support my kids with their relationship with their dad without overstepping