So I am a 23 year old guy and I am engaged to my fiance that I love with all of my being. We are happy that is not what this post is about. I have started gooning about a couple weeks ago and since then, when I masterbate for longer than an hour, my whole brain starts to change. I've always been dominant, whether it's gentle or rough, but these thoughts start seeping in. I'm so big (7"), so hard, even super hairy if I wait longer than a week but I am leaking precum? Then if I don't cum, when I pull my pants up, I stay hard and leak precum in my boxers? It's so shameful. Why do I like it? Recently I asked my fiance to try domming me and it was amazing. So for context, I am autistic and touch is my sense that gets overloaded very easily. She had me cuffed, blindfolded, and put ear plugs in. For hours she stroked, sucked, and rode my cock for her own pleasure and smacked me with a paddle when I was bad. She called me a good boy and then we found out that the $70 handcuffs we got her can't hold me. Just broke the chain instantly. I still like being dominant too, I don't want to always be like that, but the urges are so strong. Another thing I can recall very clearly is how when she was sucking me she was also using her boobs, when I started thrusting she pulled back so I wouldn't get stimulation but I couldn't stop humping. She was laughing at how pathetically I was squirming and begging her to bring it back. I just feel so... Ashamed. I have been watching trans porn for a long time, including sissy. I still feel like a man 99.9% of the time. But when I goon my mind melts, and I'd probably even let my fiance be the man for a night😖😖. Does this make me any less of a man outside of when that happens? Also want some anonymous buds to go on with once and a while. My fiance doesn't like a lot of the same porn I do so I can't really share it with her.