We hear all the time how the bully had it worse at home. How the shitty mom had an even shittier mom. As if being abused gives you a free pass to neglect your responsibilities as a person- but only as long as you aren't as bad as the abuse you suffered. And nothing scares me as bad as the thought of someone defending me in the same way.

I don't know how to have a relationship. Not with my family or friends or a partner. Because all I can think about is my predisposition to fear-based reactions. I act as if my survival is on the line. I act as if one small action threatens my very security because at one point it did. I panic and fuck everything up every time. I blow small issues out of proportion. I cry over punctuation- a small part of me convinced I've upset them, that I need to be punished. I overanalyze every moment until problems appear where there were none before. I don't know how to stop or get better. I was always told there's no such thing as over-communication until my last significant other looked me dead in the eye and told me my thoughts scare them.

I am so tired of existing. I'm tired and sad. Being alone makes me sad. But having people around me is just inviting myself to make a mistake and hurt them. EarlierI thought about the person who abused me and romanticized in my head the version of them that comforted me when I'd cry. As if he didn't cause those tears in the first place. And when that thought was interrupted, I snapped at one of the few people left who still cared for me. I don't like to hurt people so I push them away but I realized recently the pain even that can cause. So from now on, I guess I'll avoid them all together. Tonight, I blocked that friend's number and deleted my Facebook. The damage is done but I can't help this awful sinking feeling in my chest. I wish I'd never heard the statistics around the abuse I'd suffered. I wish I'd never heard the phrase "the abused becomes the abuser". I wish I didn't see my abuser's eyes in the mirror. I wish that I'll never hurt anyone again.