In advance I'll tell you this is just a vent I have no one I can vent to and I've been bottling this up for awhile even if it gets taken down it's ok at least I finally said it an no I'm not looking for anyone to talk to about it I won't respond to messages,ps possible trigger warning

I'm about to be 30 I have had 2 children the first my son Kenny died shortly after birth about 5 years ago my wife slipped into a deep depression and to be there for her I shoved all my emotions down to put a strong face on and I have but for the last 3 years I've lost all of my emotions I've noticed I don't feel happy I don't feel sad I'm just numb or angry that's it that's all and my memory is gone I've completely lost my memories it's all glimpses and flash's I forget everything I've lost all dive in life I went from 180 6'0 great shape to 320 I loved being out doors and running now I feel no joy so I just rewatch the same dam shows and movies over and over and it's getting harder to move I went from an amazing job great pay benefits to now I can barely hold down a minimum wage job and no matter how hard I try I can force myself to do anything and I can't talk to anyone because everyone has disappeared my wife is so amazing and I love her but any time I open up it hurts her feelings and I have to spend the next hour consoling her on how I felt hurt her so I just stopped and I'm at my wit's end I mean hell I'm doing this post ,I don't know I can't fathom how I can be a good husband and a father like this or why I'm even still trying I mean I do I can't leave my wife and daughter alone in this scary world we live in today I just wanna know when life goes from simply surviving to truly live you know?? My wife and daughter deserve that I need that for them I can have them becoming like me I can even remember the sound of my mother's voice and that breaks me