This is a doozy. I want to start by saying that I regret my past actions and reactions.

A little over a year ago, around August 2020, my sibling (AFAB, 15 then, 16 now), came out as non-binary, and asked us (Mom, 53F, Dad, 52M, and me, 19F) to refer to them as a new name, lets say Viv, in addition to they/them pronouns. My sibling had never shown any sort of sign that they might be a member of the LGBTQIA community, so we were all shocked. They had a letter ready to go, that explained all of this and said that they hoped we still loved them. We all kind of sat in silence for a while, and we didn't react the best way. We all kind of responded that it would be hard to switch, but we did still love them. We asked if we could call them a nickname that was similar to their birth name, but was also similar to their new name while we tried to adjust. We also suggested that they continue using their birth name and pronouns around our extended family (most of which is Republican). We then went and got dinner, and the next day we all decided to look for more information on the nonbinary community by going to a bookstore (my sibling LOVES to read). While driving there, we asked about how long they had been feeling this way, if they were sure, etc, etc. My sibling broke down in tears and said they weren't sure if they were nonbinary, and they were just thinking about it. They said they would be fine going back to their old name, lets say Eliza, and she/her pronouns. We asked them to keep us updated on their gender, they agreed, and that was kind of the end of it, at least for my parents.

Here's the problem; my sibling is not the most open person when it comes to their wants and needs, (they have trouble asking for school supplies) and has not brought up their gender since then. I've tried to ask about it. For example, I'm a huge Marvel fan, so when Loki became canonically genderfluid, I told my sibling how cool I thought that was, and then I asked how they were feeling about their gender identity. They just sort of said they didn't know, and quickly moved on. This has been their reaction pretty much every time I try to broach the subject. I'm worried that due to our less than stellar reaction, my sibling may never feel comfortable enough to come out again.

I believe they are nonbinary, and are just not out around us, because of some things I've stumbled onto. Once, I was looking for a pair of scissors or something in their desk, and I found a note from one of their friends that said "Happy Halloween Viv!". Another time, I was helping them clean their room. I was sorting some papers (like old assignments and such) and there were some letters mixed in (my sibling and her friends enjoy writing letters to each other a lot). The letters were mostly addressed to Viv. Recently, I was on Fall Break from uni, and was home for the weekend. I walked into the living room where my sibling was with our dog, and jokingly asked "Are you my sister?". They replied "I guess." It threw me for a loop, and re-affirmed that they are nonbinary in my mind.

I've tried to shove this down inside me, and just let them deal with things in their own time, but I have anxiety, and I'm worried about them. My anxieties came to a head this weekend when I was scrolling through Instagram. I follow a lot of my siblings friends, and they follow me. So, in my 'People You May Know' section, an account called viv.j popped up. I clicked on it, as the name my sibling chose is not super common, and I wondered if it may be them. It was a private account only followed by my siblings friends. I am certain this account is them, and that they are nonbinary, just not comfortable coming out to us again.

What do I do? Do I leave them be, and let them figure it out? Do I tell them that I support and love them no matter what, and that I don't care what their name is so long as they're happy? Do I keep dropping little hints? I'm so lost and I know my family's past actions were wrong, but I don't even know how to begin apologizing. I want to be respectful and show them that I care. I know that them not living as who they want to be could literally be risking their life, and I would much rather have a living sibling over a dead sister. I'm sorry if this offended you, or hurt you in any way. I really need some help and advice. Thanks.