When I was 18 my first boyfriend, a beautiful and wonderful, man who I loved without condition. I love him with everything, I gave it to him before he asked or even wanted.

He struggled in the first months of our relationship with his addiction to opiate based pills and soon that dog food. We soon decided to move in with each. This was not only my first apartment but the first one I would have with my partner, friend, and cohort in crime.

We shopped for two weeks before we found the apartment I would spend nearly 14 years in. Needless to say, he didn’t live long enough to see the apartment. And I never saw him again.

Seeing that I was a closeted gay man on the edge of coming out when I was 18. The momentum stopped. I was just so distraught by his death that I forgot.

Forgot for nearly 12 years. In that time I had a long-term girlfriend for nearly 8 years and after that I quickly married a co-worker after 4 dates and than hot hitched. In The middle of marriage she joined the army

At 30, literally 3 after the marriage. At a pool o finally came out to everyone and the Time went by and the lie I was living grew and grew. I thought that all I could do with a man was have sex, but when I fell in love with one at the age of 33 the lie fell apart.

He was not only my equal but my friend. He was the best thing that happed in my. Life and I am/ will be thankful for his contribution to my life. I found that needed boundaries, self respect and to be honest. Lying becomes to easy when you’ve living one your whole life.

But now after the break up I want to go back in. I am in the process of pushing some friends away which I have used as a blanket demand that if they don’t like it kick rocks.

So now I think that i want to go back into the dark. what is worst the lie or going through the pain again?

I think about dating again. Revealing and discovering. Is it worth that process. When it will be so much easier to go back to the church. And find myself a nice pious, humble, submissive black woman which has been the alpha-omega of every conversation with my grandmother since I moved out at 17? Note that I haven't been home in 14 Years.