I pretty much always have it feels like, I've never really been a happy person and my mind is always drawn to the negatives when it comes to myself and things have only worsened recently, the biggest reason why currently is due to the fact that I'm inable to express myself properly even in private, I lack any self confidence and often times motivation to do the most basic of tasks, I was actually doing good from the outside last year, but I was completely dead on the inside, I made alot of progress and was making my family proud, I had a good factory job, saved for a down payment on a new car and was starting to pull my life together, even made some friends I would hang out with on a weekly basis (I haven't had real life friends for a while up to this point) the problem was that I simply was dead inside, I gave zero fucks about what happened to me or what I was doing, I had gone through a breakup and through that lost a friend who had been there for me for the past 5 years. I was also drinking myself to sleep on an almost nightly basis. I was alright living like this, I wasn't happy, but I wasn't miserable.

Eventually I got into smoking and ended up trying shrooms, and from there I feel like I opened up a whole new version of me, I realized that I was capable of feeling that happiness, I unlocked the ability to appreciate the small details in life and for a bit I was on top and finally happy with things, but then somewhere along the line anxieties began to creep in and I had a couple complete mental breakdowns that lead to me leaving that job, I spent that free time with my friends and got closer to one and ended up meeting a girl through him and made an instant connection, only a few months in and I'm in a much more healthy relationship than the last, I'm supported by someone who shows that they care and ive bonded with my parents much more than ever before, but my problem now is that I feel incapable of holding a job, I always find some excuse or reason to quit or avoid it. On top of that I feel like the only way I can achieve the happiness or reset myself when I feel myself getting down on everything and keep the thoughts of self harm away is to get fucked up, whether it be alcohol or drugs and she is completely opposed to any of it, and I know it's not the answer myself, she's pushing me towards therapy, but I don't think it would help because I don't think I'd be able to be honest and open up about my true feelings and thoughts when things are bad.

I'm at a point where I'm distancing myself from everyone, I find myself straight up ignoring my family and friends when they message me wanting to hang out or talk and I'm constantly smoking to destress and get my mind out of the negatives space, but I'm lying to her and distancing myself because of it, I know she just wants what's best for me and I know I probably need therapy, I have so much that I want to do with life, but unless I'm buzzed I have zero motivation/will power to do anything and I just find myself feeling like it would be better off if my parents had just learned to use a fucking condom