I am a great big ball of anger. I'm 18 years old. Offline and online i am ridiculed and ignored. Offline I am made fun of and I can't defend myself cuz I'm too scared of embarrassing myself any further. Online it's a bit better, but it seems no one wants to talk to me at all or making no time for me unless they want to talk to me some type of way and want to belittle me and make me feel like I'm stupid. I'm sick of it. So sick of it. But I have to keep it in so I won't embarrass myself or give a person a reason to think I'm less than them. My thoughts have gotten so bad. I often think about beating/harming everyone around me. Even my loved ones. I thought about abusing my mother a few days ago. This thought often comes around whenever she is unnecessarily rude to me and it happens because over the years she's the main reason why I've felt so weak and less of a person. But I promised not to hit my mom ever because she was abused by a boyfriend of hers. She didn't even do anything in that moment. I just thought about abusing my mother and I let it happen. I think about the same thing for others and worse. But I promised myself to not rape or groom anybody at all because I've been thru that type of abuse over the years. But lately I've just been thinking about hurting people in so many ways more and more to feel powerful and in control, to prove myself that I'm better and stronger. Whether it be physical, mentally, verbally, whatever. I try to course correct these thoughts, but that's not good enough at all. Because I'm a great big ball of anger.