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being really into art as a kid kinda broke my self image
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i embedded so deeply into art communities, looking at attractive people real and fictional, studying and creating them over and over again. art became the only way i could express sort of, a desire to be connected with being beautiful, while i ignored my real physical body that was right there for me.

i look at myself in the mirror and either see nothing but functional flesh or i see some poorly misshapen thing that needs to be changed, shoulders narrowed, ribcage shrunk and reclined, hips reproportioned, clothes fitted.

but all things considered, in an objective sense, i'm not at all unattractive, i'm just, obviously, not a fictional character.

i went out to buy some nicer clothes, clothes like i would draw my ocs in, then for god knows why, roughly drew a pic using myself as reference and just kinda, stared at the two back and forth, acknowledging the reality that i definitely was and always have been pretty and hot and cute and delicate and all those characteristics i could never have imagined myself as having. was weird...

i kind of feel,, less inclined to spend as much time drawing as i always have up till now.. i just want to go clothes shopping again. i love drawing different clothes and different styles so much,, but now i just want to,, *be* them.

not like any of this is the art communities fault.. just.. its weird, i feel like this'd be more common but i've never heard of anyone with my experience.

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3 weeks ago