I'm 22. I'm a child to narcissistic parents. I have forgiven them, and I love them very much, seeing as they have made efforts to make ammends. However, despite my relationship with my parents has changed, one thing stays the same. I feel worthless and empty.

As a child I was gaslit, manipulated, and scapegoated. I was the kid the whole family liked to blame for all the issues. I can't remember a time anyone in my family had any empathy for me, or got to know me deeply and love me for the kid I was. Instead my family believed there was something fundamentally wrong with me. I was often compared to my older sibling, who had been favored by family and friends alike. Not saying I blame them, hard to be a good kid when you're abused. They judged, shamed, and belittled me as often as they could. I grew up thinking they were right. Now I exist in unrest. It is a flaw of the universe that I exist.

I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder this year, which lines up. My therapist told me BPD is an attachment disorder. Meaning a secure attachment was not formed with my parents growing up. If there's one thing I truly wish I could have, it's the security of being loved unconditionally by another person. Even if it was a fake connection, I wish there was some service or lab creation that would fulfill this need of mine.

I really want to experience, at least once in my lifetime what it feels like to be prioritized by someone, or have them listen to whatever I have to say, even when its not important. I really want to have someone hug/kiss me at random, and reassure me about what my strengths are. I would like validation. I believe this sort of dynamic would help me develop a sense of self and self esteem. I believe this sort of love and care would feel inpiring on a spiritual level. I crave this so often that, in a neutral state I feel worthless to the point of feeling that death is my only release.

You could say "well maybe you could date someone." Well, this is where I would ask, would you like to date someone with borderline personality disorder? Would you like to date someone feels like everything is personal, and meant to harm them? Who can't trust easily, or says/does things just to keep themselves out of harms way? Someone who doesnt know/have a good relationship with respect, trust, boundaries, etc?

I don't want to date a person, I just want to pay one. It could be a transactional thing. At least then I could worry less about how clingy, insecure, or neurotic I come across. It would like... be in the TOS of taking up the job lol.

I have never mentioned this to anyone because I truly cannot deal with any more shaming or judgement from another person. My days are beginning to feel numbered in regard to my capacity of acting like a normal person despite having this heavy emotional burden with me everywhere I go. Any time I try to speak about my feelings I feel like a freak. I really do wish to either pay someone or die lol.

Also therapy is not possible for me right now. And I don't want to talk. I want to just be with them. Last I checked therapists aren't paid to hug or kiss.