Nearing the end of 2023, I went out the country with my grandparents for the holidays. Back home, I’ve already had multiple income sources and a full college schedule set for me to work with in 2024 and was excited to return and start.

In the middle of vacation, my dad, stepmom, mom seemed to have something happening and my stepmom texted me about the possibility that I’m not my dad’s biological son. I reached out to my dad and he gave me the details and even comparison pictures of who he thinks is my father. Days later, he calls me telling me not to reach out to my stepmom because she’s likely going to try to manipulate me. So I didn’t text her. But he continues to text me and spam me with no details but messages giving me anticipation. Asking questions, telling me she will go to prison, I’ll go to prison if I lie, and other shit. I come home from vacation and to my grandpas home and my dad’s brother, my uncle is there. Grandpa and him talk and he talks to me because my dad is going crazy. They tell me not to leave and go home (3hrs away) and to just stay for my safety but I insisted to go so I can hear what my dad has to say. My mom calls me mid-drive telling me to not go and turn around and she’s already headed over there to try to get my little brother. I make it back there and talk with my dad in my room. This is where he tells me about what’s going on with my stepmom and her narcissism and manipulation and intent to destroy the family. He then brings up that he believes that I had slept with her, which is what he was referring to in the text questions during my trip. I tell him no and he refuses to believe me. He thinks I had been talking to her during the trip too when he asked me not to but I didn’t, even showing the texts but he makes a remark about us probably talking on another app. He then gets deeper into it and brings my brothers into it and portraying me as someone who did bad things and has something to hide. He for sure made me feel unsafe. After we talked, I left back to my grandpas and didn’t speak with him since. I lived with my grandpa until August. Had to give up my job opportunities and college benefits but still stayed in my classes.

In early February after still not speaking to my dad, I get alerts on my phone of a $1k credit purchase of an iPad as well as my last $100 transferred from my bank to my dad with the note saying ‘let me know when you’re ready to talk’. He had gotten into my other phone I left at his house and went through it all. I called my uncle up and then decided to file a police report. I was ready to drive back there and get my iPad but my grandpa reimbursed me just for my safety. After this, time went by and the report took too long to process and I was over it so I didn’t proceed.

As I live with my grandpa, I can tell he’s seeing less in me than what he thought. I’m a private person who just likes to do what I do on my own. Work, school, gym, eat. It was a different type of household and I wasn’t used to it and made many mistakes. One day in June, my dad comes to his house for a supervised visit with my youngest brother, as my mom is now the custodial parent. I have no choice but to face him and he greets me with a friendly demeanor and we talk and catch up and he seems normal. I ignorantly fell for it, likely because I miss him and my other brother and still have some respect for him despite everything. He opened his arms to welcome me back.

Later in July, I leave the gym and go take the roadtrip to his house to talk and chill because I was reaching a low point in my mental and didn’t think I would be able to stay with grandpa much longer. When I’m back there, we talk about more genuine and life shit. After this, I decided I wanted to go back over there with him and my brother.

I move back in August and things seem normal. I was excited to start again and rebuild my relationship with my dad and brother. Especially my brother. Things seemed normal but I did have a crazy gut feeling that something wasn’t right and thag something bad was going to happen. Without getting too deep into the spirituality aspect, there were definitely blatant signs. Spirituality and physics was a main topic my dad and I spoke about often though and opened my eyes to different perspectives.

One night in early September, I come home from the gym and my dad approaches me asking why I’m logged into his Apple Watch. I’ve never logged into his devices so I told him I didn’t do it but he mentioned we once spoke of it on text a while back so i asked him to pull up the text. He opened his message app and scrolled on the search but just put his phone away and resumed with what he had to say. He then asked me again if I had fucked my stepmom and I then denied again. He still believes I did something with her and claims he knows the truth so if I lie then he’s kicking me out. He asks again and I deny it again and he tells me to pack my bags so I casually walk to my room to do so. He comes him and asks more shit and asks for my phone for proof and I didn’t have anything to hide so I gave it to him. He goes through and records my messages with both my uncles from his side and my stepmom.

He talks shit on me for going to my uncles to talk to and the messages about casually ask how and what is going on and such and begins to act as a victim, claiming how he was still there for me and always there but I text them instead of him. During no contact with my father, he would randomly send videos, TikToks, and messages that I’d acknowledge and take in but not reply. Him using that as a weapon shows his lack of genuineness. He goes through and talks shit on all the messages and then lectures me. He believes that I was working with them with their “plan to kill him” and how everything that happened to him was his family’s plan to ruin him and how I was a player in it but to them, I was just a pawn they can use. He continues to belittle me and give personal attacks. I taunt him with eyebrow raises because he attempted to portray himself as scary and in control by giving crazy eyes and sticking his tongue out. My eyebrow raises did anger him because he would shout at me to stop and once I did it again, he punched me in the face, which led me to grabbing him by the neck and we fought. In the middle of the fight, my brother came into the house from work and saw us and we got up and continued the talk with my brother there. He continued to record and ask interrogation like questions about this “plan” against him and manipulated my words in a way to what he wanted to hear. After we talked, he had me go pack my shit with my brother as some “guard” at my door. I pack my stuff and leave and I never spoke to or heard from my dad or my brother again. He was making it seem as if my family would no longer accept me due to me “snitching” on them as my father is using all that info in a legal battle as evidence.

From there, I’m living in my car with no money until my college benefits kick in and I can find a job. Living off of plasma donations for food and gas, still using the gym and trying to keep going with my classes. With what I thought was going on with not having my family anymore and nothing/nobody, I chose to do copious amounts of research on the French foreign legion so that I can possibly buy a ticket to France once my stipend kicks in and attempt to join them.

This goes on for a little over a week and I decide to drive back to my hometown. I’m losing my mind at this point and decide to call up my mom even after we last ended things on bad terms. But she’s still distant as she believes I am working for my dad as some spy against her. She finally answers my call and we talk and she calls up my dads brothers and even then, they still decided to help me out.

More stuff ended up happening on my end with them but they’re still here for me and supporting me the best way they can. I’m doing what I can to get by and learn so that I can grow as a person and be better and successful.

I’ve done a lot of deep thinking and realized my childhood did have a major affect on me now. I’m learning to forgive my mom for her emotional neglect and soon speaking with her to apologize for my disrespect towards her. She’s doing what she can to help me with what she knows. She doesn’t have much to offer but still doing her best.

My brother will soon go to college and I have no concern for his success. He is an academic weapon and I know he will do great things in regard to a career.

Despite what my father did, I understand he also went through a lot and I get why he feels the way he feels about his family but his failure to acknowledge their perspective and his inability to take accountability and still thinks he’s completely right, he himself played a part in his own turmoil. He is a narcissist. On a psychologically dangerous level. He has been since my childhood. Regardless, I still love him and want him to have a good life, but I will have no part of it and he will have no part in mine. I still want him to be able to be a father to my youngest brother and still have a connection with his other sons. I understand what he went through and I feel pity for him which is why I am not feeling pure anger or hatred towards him and wishing illness upon him.

I simply just want to live my own peaceful life and do my own thing alone. I struggle to ask for help and even accept it. I know what my flaws are and what I need to fix but I don’t know how to go about doing so. I just need to continue doing my thing while still trying to grasp a better understanding of myself and the world.