it’s 2 AM and i might delete this later but I have no one to tell without facing judgement. I’m going to try to keep it vague (I know he has reddit but I don’t know what he subs he frequents) and use code names for context so it makes sense. here we go.

I met James (crush) in school. Me, him & our other mutual friends were taking the same math class. In that class I also met Maddie and I introduced her to James.

James and I got along pretty well. James was always a sweet, attentive and charismatic guy. He is an intelligent guy but is never showy about it. He’s the kinda guy you could tell anything.

A couple of things stood out to me during our friendship. He once said I looked like his celebrity crush. He also said I was pretty once to my face. I think I once caught him staring at me and then my chest but I can’t really confirm for sure. He also has said that talking to me always brightened his day because I was sunshine.

When we first became friends, he was always very affectionate and wanted hugs & head pats. He always had a certain softness and presence when he talked to me. Paid for my food a few times. He made me feel safe. Like I could be any version of myself and he would accept me. So naturally, my dumb & stupid self fell for him.

James did all of this while having a girlfriend, Emily, whom he broke up with because he started entertaining himself with his current girlfriend, our mutual friend, Maddie. Emily and James were doomed from the start as they had a pretty volatile relationship. No one wanted them together. I still feel for Emily though on how it ended.

Maddie and James’ relationship started off on morally ambiguous terms, but I genuinely think they’re a thing because of proximity. I got busy and I couldn’t really see James or Maddie that often anymore and I think they’re just got together because they just spent more time together. She gave him attention. That was pretty much it.

I know this sounds pretentious, but I truly don’t think there was ever any chemistry between them. Emily called me after and she told me about how James and her broke up and how James has a thing for Maddie now. Emily confirmed really before I did that James and Maddie make zero sense as a couple.

What really struck me though was that Emily, his ex that knew him longer than I did, said that she always thought James and I would end up together. She said we made a million times more sense than him and Maddie. It was weird of her to say but it didn’t seem like it came from a bad place. I think Emily knew they weren’t going to last anyway. It was weird how she saw the chemistry too.

Now I’m writing this bitterly because he’s with her. I really think that I could’ve gotten to James before Maddie did. Or that when James had finally dumped Emily, I could have been the one to have him. I feel guilty for liking him but I still think about us being in a relationship. I secretly hate Maddie going after what she wanted too. Maybe I have too much of a moral conscious but I should’ve done what she did to have him. She planted the seeds and got him while he was vulnerable and upset about his relationship with Emily.

I don’t want to sabotage my friendship with either of them because they are sweet people and we have been friends for so long. It’s awkward when we all hang out because no one knows how I feel for him. Maddie is also extremely protective of him so I interact with him less now. James and I never talk or hang out alone. I hate her for it. I know I can’t confess to James because there’s no point. But sometimes, on nights like these, I can’t help but want to break them up. That maybe I could be the driving force instead. I just don’t know what to do. I have been distracting myself by going on dates but I still think about him.

I know, you lose ‘em how you get ‘em or whatever but I still wonder what it would be like to be his girl.