I'm sitting here sobbing because the thought just crossed my mind that all of the things I enjoy...sexually, the things that I am into and how I want to be treated, are directly related to an ex that recently moved back and has been trying consistently to reach out, and see me...even though the last time that I seen him he was trying to choke me out. The thought hit me like a fucking brick, I think subconsciously first because I was fine and then bawling my eyes out, out of nowhere, thinking about all the messages he sent recently, all the memories and for some reason the most devastating is that the way I like to be touched, and like to be hurt is not only, but in a large part due to the trauma that he caused me. I don't know if it's just him being back, and the things he has tried to say that is stirring so much up inside of me because not once in the 10 years since he's been gone has the thought ever ran through my head, but all of a sudden it feels like it's consuming me. I feel so sick, and that I must be so fucked up in the head for the things that I daydream about, and the things that I like doing. For some reason out of every single thought, every single way he broke me, nothing has hurt like knowing he's had a lasting affect in...that way, or that anything to do with who i am has to do with him. I feel so dirty.