First of all I know this is something I can control, I can go on a dating app today and find someone to do anything with. I also am attracted to men and women

There’s a quote I saw online that sums this all up, sums me up: “mentally I’m a slut, physically I was terrified of intimacy, spiritually I didn’t like men. I was confused,” 

I know I would be more comfortable with women because I’ve grown around them, most of my friends are women, I was only allowed to have friends that were girls after puberty started so I don’t really know how to act around men other than having an acquaintance. I would date a woman but my parent’s are slightly homophobic and would disown me if they found out (I do want to be intimate with women too.) I think this also stems from being friends with straight women, I want to know what it’s like to be with a man. 

There are a factor of reasons why I am this way, I my parents were very strict growing up, they sabotaged any kind of friendship or relationship I was trying to form especially with the opposite sex (they’ve gone through diaries and found out who these guys were and made sure they wouldn’t talk to me again when I was a teenager). I grew up getting bullied (everyone does I know, it’s not an original experience) and treated was less than for my looks which didn’t help with my confidence in how I look like now, I also was very awkward and craved acceptance from people I ‘looked’ up too even if I looked like an idiot, and throughout the years I’ve developed a fear instilled in my when it comes to physical intimacy with the opposite sex, it can be kissing or more I think it comes from a place of self hatred or just insecurity of not knowing what I’m doing especially when people expect that I’ve at least been in one relationship. 

I get insanely jealous when my friends talk about their sex lives, how excited they get and I try to be happy for them but it’s gotten to the point where they know not to talk about the subject unless I bring i up. They feel sorry for me, people I know have started to make my lack of experience a joke, I only fantasize of having a boyfriend or having celebrity crushes and that there’s no point in trying when I don’t even talk to men in real life. 

I feel like a terrible friend because I want to support them, it’s fun to talk about having boyfriends or hook ups and blossoming relationships.

I have moments where I’m happy being single, seeing how stressed out people become when they find partners but then the topic comes up and I feel bitter. Also being told by my friends and people online that it isn’t worth it, sex isn’t what it’s hyped up to be doesn’t make me feel better about my situation. All I know is I would feel terrible for having sex with a stranger, I want to be cared about I want to matter, not feel dirty or used after doing it.

I don’t know how to change this mindset other than going to therapy even then I don’t know if I will get better