I wasn’t doing it for giggles or attention. i don’t mean i lied to people that i was assaulted or touched. i never told anyone about this. but i would only do it when i was alone. never with anyone else. but i would play pretend that i was being assaulted. i was really young, i barely remember it. i’ll say i was in 3rd grade.

my family is real messy so i lived with my aunt and my mom but they were both busy so i was often taken care of by a house keeper. but even then i wasn’t really supervised. i remember there was a statue of a buddha in the living room. i remember playing scenarios where i would be forced to do embarrassing things against my will and i would talk to this statue like he was the man assaulting me.

i would do this a lot but it’s kinda blurry. but i remember one time i pretended like a man was taking off my clothes and forcing me to show my bare bottom half. i took off my pants and got in a compromising position in front of the window. i remember feeling embarrassed, i didn’t know why i was doing it. i remember wanting it to stop but i was playing pretend, i could stop when i wanted. but i didn’t. i only stopped because the housekeeper came into the living room. i had hastily pulled my pants up so she didn’t really see anything.

i don’t remember a lot as a kid. and now i wonder why i ever even did this as often as i did. i was always scared of men growing up, so i have this weird sickening feeling something happened to me and i just don’t remember. i wasn’t overly exposed to porn online or anything. i had internet access but i would just watch pokémon and kirby fan animations amvs on youtube lol. it’s been bothering me for a while.