We were involved in a toxic situationship for 8 months. He was a narcissist, an avoidant, and probably has undiagnosed bipolar disorder, maybe a certain degree of schizophrenia. With all that, I still fell in love with him (stupid me, or maybe I was crazy too ahaha).

He kept pushing me away and pulling me in for months!! And I was miserable for months!! One minute he would say he couldn't afford to lose me, the next he said that was why we couldn't be together as a couple but we should be friends instead (wtf) but then we still fucked each other (I don't think this is what friends do 😅)

I got so tired of his game one day, I was emotionally, mentally stretched out by his dismissive avoidance ass, so I decided to cut him off for good. But silence wasn't my choice. Somehow a thought formed in my unconscious mind that said "Let me show you how to push someone away the right way". I'm not an all sweet and cute type, I can be sweet but when I switch I can be a bitch. And I pushed people away from me in the past before, I'm capable of hurting someone deep enough that they can fall into depression but I'm not proud of it. That trait is what I wanted to bury and never brought up. But I brought it up for this guy.

First, I pushed him away with a hurtful text. Then I talked to him again after 3 days pretending nothing has happened, with the intention to push him away again (this was indeed his method for months lol)

He sensed the toxic intention, so he broke things off before I got the chance to push him. We agreed to stop talking in peace.

Then I emailed him to call out all the bullshits he said and all the toxic behaviours he had that tortured me for months.

He didn't take it well, fought back, his words hurt lol. He degraded me, tried to shift the blame, gaslighted and manipulated me into thinking everything was my fault.

I knew a part of it was my fault, so I admitted, but didn't forget to shift the blame back and called him various creative humiliation nicknames.

He got shocked, apologized, then we both swore to never talk again.

2 weeks after that I reached out again, just to check if he moved on or still miserable. He was still miserable because of what I said.

Somehow I'm filled with satisfaction because of that. I replied with "seek therapy".

Though I'm sad because we ended up this way, in the worst scenario that he predicted (we both hate each other now).

You can scold me for what I did, I knew that I damaged him further than the already broken version of himself, and I did it intentionally because I wanted to break all the bond. If we couldn't love, we must hate.

Conclusion: damn I was a crazy one too...