First off, I know I'll get backlash for being married and having these thoughts. I know it’s wrong, which is why I’m here, trying to better understand my feelings. Therapy isn’t affordable for me at the moment, so Reddit advice will have to do for now. This might be a long post, so consider yourself warned.

Here’s the story:

My ex and I met when we were 15 and 16, respectively (I turned 17 a couple of months later). At the time, she was in a relationship with her then-boyfriend of two years, so if there was any attraction, it was likely only from my side. Anyway, they broke up about two months after I met her, and I happened to be there for her, offering a shoulder to cry on. Eventually, this developed into a bond between us, and we ended up dating for the next four years.

During those four years, we created beautiful memories, but we also had bad ones. Worst of all, I made choices that led to our downfall. Like her ex before me, I broke her heart by cheating on her, and I never had the courage to tell her the truth. I don’t know how I was capable of such actions, and I hate how heartless I was for not letting her go before making those mistakes. To her, it was all "speculation," but she knew the truth in her heart.

After we broke up, we talked for a couple of weeks, trying to work things out and thinking we could somehow stay friends (yeah, I know). One night, while we were texting, she asked where I was. I told her I was at a friend’s house playing Smash with a group of friends. Out of nowhere, she sent me a selfie with a guy, using a filter with hearts above their heads. I probably had no right to complain since we were broken up and I had cheated on her, but it broke my heart. I couldn’t help but hold back tears, apologize, and leave my friend’s house abruptly. She called and apologized, saying she didn’t mean to send it to me, but the damage was done. Now I knew how she felt when she found out I cheated.

Even after that, we stayed in contact. I would go to her house, and we would just talk about our days, trying to keep things platonic. I was single, and she was talking to or dating this guy. One day, she said, "I want you to know that if you want me to stop talking to him for you, I will." Man, I wanted to tell her to drop him with all my heart. I wanted to forget what we had done to each other, start fresh, and be happy. Sadly, that’s not how life works. So, I looked her in the eyes and denied myself the last chance to be with her. I told her I didn’t want to stand in the way of her happiness, and I cut things off.

Months later, I heard rumors about things she posted online about me. Under the influence of the wrong people, I sealed the deal by pulling a stupid online stunt, basically calling her toxic, when in reality, I was the most toxic. It seems I wanted her to hate me so much that she’d never want to see or hear from me again, and it worked.

Fast forward a couple of years, and life seemed so different. I had moved out and was living with my wife (then girlfriend). Everything seemed fine—my girlfriend knew about my past and accepted me as I was. Then, suddenly, she decided to get a new job. By some twist of fate, it happened to be at the same branch where my ex worked, mind you, this was 3-4 years after my ex and I broke up. On my girlfriend’s first day, she was aware she’d be working with my ex, so she went in mentally and emotionally prepared. I can’t say the same for my ex. Upon seeing my girlfriend, my ex instantly started crying in front of some coworkers. This prompted management to intervene and speak to both of them. Yeah, crazy first day for my wife.

It turned out that no one at that branch (or any nearby branches) liked my ex. They said she was bossy and controlling, blah blah blah. Over time, my wife and friends became convinced that, even though what I did was awful, in some ways, my ex "deserved" it, or at least it was canceled out by everyone’s dislike for her.

Eventually, my girlfriend and I got married, and I found out that my ex got married about six months after me, to the guy she had sent me a picture with.

Years later, I still find myself thinking about how wrong I was. I wanted it all, but I didn’t want to give anything up. Sure, my ex made mistakes, but I still feel mine were much worse. I wish I could somehow talk to her, maybe it’s because I never told her the truth so I’m selfishly looking for closure. Honestly, I don’t even know how to feel or why I feel this way. I’m not sure if it’s the cloud of guilt hanging over me or the sudden realization that I might still be in love with my ex after all this time. I feel crazy even thinking this, like I’m betraying my wife with feelings I thought were long resolved.