Honestly, any helpful comments will be appreciated

I'm a male.

When I was 9, my nephew stayed over my house.

I had seen a movie late at night(was easter I think) and the guy there mentioned sex.

I asked my nephew(who shared my bed) what was sex.

He was a teen(15 I think) at that time.

Instead of being a normal dude, and answering normally, he decided to show me.

I didn't resist. I couldn't at first. I didn't tell my parents, because I thought it was totally normal.

We did this once. I honestly want to vomit in this scene, so feel free to skip the next sentence.

he put his dick inside of my ass through the night.

It was "funny" back then, but now I just want to vomit.

It didn't stop here.

My mind probably felt good, wanting to repeat the thing again.

Now we get to phase two of destroying my childhood.

After that, me and my sister(we were both kids by the way, an not teens) started having sex. It wasn't "I put my thing inside". She always told me not to take off my panties.

Even still, my stupid head felt great joy. I never knew(wasn't told by anyone till this point) that what we were doing was wrong.

Then, our mother caught us. What do you think she'd do?

I personally would never go to such lengths, because I'd first find out how on earth did these kids learn this stuff.

She beat us both and screamed like crazy.

I understand, that for most people, that's a normal occurrence, but for me - it wasn't. As I said, my parents were chill, and I lived chill life. I took such acts extremely close to heart.

My sister hated me, but normalized relations because we were still kids and mom never told anyone else.

I believe that she's kind of forgotten it(she never mentioned it again). Even to me, I forget this fucking bullshit and try to move without it.

I thought bad things would end here, but I was wrong.

Then started stage 3

I got into tech projects, trying to learn stuff.

Honestly, I never had motivation to commit to anything. I always quit halfway. I don't think it's related to past events(I hope it isn't).

Same thing happened here. Because I barely managed to learn basics, my presentations were trash and I never won anything.

Even to my peers, I was considered pretty smart before all that- my dad taught me math and I was curious, reading lots of stuff and watching only educational videos.

After I failed to achieve anything(I was 13-14), my parents(especially my mom) grew frustrated.

Around this time, puberty and hormones started to kick in(I hope they didn't kick before).

I was extremely close to taking myself out.

The tipping point was when my dad called me a failure.

They thought I was just didn't care about any of that, but I'm very sensitive.

I tried to choking myself with a pillow.

Obviously I stopped.

But failure's didn't.

I got addicted to a game- there's a strategy game called "stellaris". I would play multiple hours a day.

This just genuinely made me feel like a literal ant, with no significance.

The fact that I've failed to become a "rememberable ant" with any achievements honestly weighed me down even more, but the game gave me a sense - a sense of purpose.

How did I survive all of this?

Honestly, there are 4 things that keep me going right now:

1. Writing a novel
2. The fact that the future(like 50 years later) will have fascinating tech
3. My dog( If you don't have a dog/cat, at least look at cute cat photos online).
4. I'm going to have a good gaming pc and start immersing myself in all kinds of games(honestly want to play cyberpunk reaally bad).

If you have any questions, ask in the comments.