When I was younger I grew up around a weird paranoia of being SAd. My parents would drop me off at my grandma’s house to be watched knowing that my uncle who I know had suspicions around him surround things like this. My parents would ask me everyday if I’m okay, my mom would even inspect me, and it just stirred up a lot of confusion.

Around ten I had a lot of weird pent up energy and would manually do things to myself any chance i got. my parents houses under blankets, classrooms (i cut a hole out of my pockets), and in the bath, even around people if i thought they couldnt see me. My parent’s divorced when I was 12 and it made things a lot worse for me emotionally.

At that point I started involving my family pet … I was twelve when it started. I knew it was wrong but didn’t grasp how unspeakable it was. I never told anyone about it. I’m 12 years older now but I still have nightmares where she’s suffering and neglected and its all my fault. I feel so much inner guilt about it.

It happened again in my teen years when I was flat out depressed and suicidal. I did so many weird things from this point to around sixteen. I had an online relationship with someone for 2 years pretending to be someone famous (????), messaged older men constantly online for attention, and grew really desensitized to everything.

I was SAd by someone when I was 19, and this threw me back in to facing all of my trauma all over again. I grew incredibly depressed and stopped eating. I started watching really taboo animated p0rn that doesn’t aligned with my values.. I don’t know why. I would never act out any of the topics I’ve watched, but I still have a compulsion to watch them, it is like I can’t get off unless they make me anxious.

At 22, my partner and I got a puppy. She was sleeping under the covers with me and she licked me inappropriately. I was naked because my partner and I had been intimate the night before. She didn’t know better. I froze and didn’t stop her. I cried so much after.. I’ve kept it a secret to this day. It’s never happened again nor do i ever want it to.

I have my first therapy appointment this week. I hope to tell my partner about it someday, i am absolutely terrified it’ll wreck the healthiest relationship I have ever been in and my partner will either break up with me or give our dog away. I cry about this everyday and feel the weight on my chest as I write this. I’m hoping I’ll be in a better place in the future.