I've hated myself my entire life. I feel like everyone I love is burdened by me in some way. I struggle to find a single redeeming quality and am constantly critical of every choice I make and every word I speak. When I was younger I was prone to emotional outbursts but I've gotten better at hiding how miserable I am with age. I engage in a lot of negative self talk and frequently verbalize these things to those closest to me even though I can tell they hate it and that I'm pushing them away and making everything worse. People who only know me superficially would probably say I'm successful and happy. My immediate family knows I'm a disaster and I think they're scared of me. I wish I could be literally anyone else. My partner of 9 years has caught on to this more than anyone else in my life ever has and I see how much he detests me for it. I feel like an imposter, playing the role of overachiever while I'm dead inside. I won't go to therapy or take medication even though I recognize rationally that I probably should. I hate myself even more for being the kind of helpless "victim" who won't do anything to help their situation.