Lil back story here

My parents were in high school when they had me. My mom was 17 (white) and my dad 16 (black) . I was born in the early 90s when racism was way more openly accepted.. my dad played football and he was damn good, even went on to play pro for years, but when they would go to my dad's games at another small town , they would spit on me and my mom(I was an infant) and call my mom a n***er lover and all kinds of fucked up shit...

With that being said, my grandparents were also racist as fuuck and when they found out she was pregnant, they talked her into getting an abortion... Well my dad stepped up and said, no.. I will take care of her if you don't want her blah blah blah. So obviously they had me..

Now let me say that my GMA is an angel and always treated me well once they met me but my gpa is still a racist asshole and I highly cannot stand the man. The older I get the more obvious the signs are.

My father bailed on me when my mom cheated on him multiple times and even with women. ( She was a dusty ass hoe) So he kinda left me in the past with her and moved on to meet and marry a chick half his age and had 2 more kids etc...(That's another fucked up story)

So here I am, stuck my whole life, alone and forced to grow up really fucking fast.. like was home alone doing my own laundry at like age 9 while my mom worked or she would go party on the weekends. Which left me smoking cigs, drinking and hanging out with older people all the time..

My whole life I have been a fuck up. I always had that , you only live once type of attitude and just never really did shit but party all my life.. I obviously don't have a relationship with either one of my parents and since then my mother grew up and has 2 other kids, their father and my mom are still together and my siblings are doing so well in life and I love that shit. I don't envy them whatsoever. I'm proud of them and I'm glad my mother didn't put them thru the shit I went thru.. tbh she's like a whole different person now and tries to hide who she really is to my siblings. I get that... I don't ever tell them anything about our mom and how she use to be...

The point to all this, is I overall just think my mom should have gotten that abortion.. everyone kept living their lives and progressing while I was stuck here as a major fuck up, with Dad issues and tons of other mental bullshit... I hate that I run with this and I've even told her the same when she would lecture me on just being such a screw up.. like I know it's my fault and initially it's me that needs to get my shit together but TBH I honestly don't know how to do that. I have never had any structure in my life and the people in my life have never been consistent. I couldn't keep jobs, i chased men my whole life, I got into drinking, sex and drugs really early in life and I feel like a total disappointment all the fucking time. I just do not know any other way to live besides dysfunctional as fuck..

Tbh idk where this is going atp..