I know this sounds pretty bad. I’ve experienced severe abuse including sexual, physical, emotional and even spiritual abuse in my life (I’m 19 and female. You can look at my profile for more info) and at 14 I wanted to end my life. I was fantasising about the thought until I was 17. I knew that it would be hard to do it myself bc I was scared.

I just feel numb when I think about my trauma and sometimes I get this rush of anxiety. I used to cry so hard. I used to cry myself to sleep every fucking day. Now I’m mentally better than before but I still have lots of trauma to unpack but I don’t cry as much anymore. The last time I cried hard was a few days ago bc of kids that died due to their abusive upbringing. I want to get diagnosed but I’m scared that I’m not as mentally unstable anymore than I was before. I don’t engage in the activities that used to excite me. I just can’t bring myself to do them. I’m mostly on my phone or get ready to go nowhere bc I quit my job for uni (I’m going in October) and this is one of the things that have kept me alive (I’m talking about moving).

I’m scared that I will fall into a depressive episode when I move out or that the doctors will say that I don’t have any mental illness idk why but I just need proof to know that I’m not okay.

Don’t get me wrong I do want to live and I’m glad that I don’t want to die anymore but I just need proof that something is wrong with me.