I am not sure where to post this so I apologize if this might not fit the subreddit and if this triggered anyone. If there is any recommendation where to post this it would be appreciated.

Hello, I (M24) have been really having an absolute self-identity crisis and extreme shame and guilt from actions that I’ve done in the past. I’ve made other posts on a different issue I’ve also been dealing with, but another one has now been popping up in my head.

I have always been someone who has been inherently masculine—from physical appearance, hobbies, style, people’s perceptions, and such—but I’ve always been curious about feminine qualities and desires. These have been on my mind, like wanting to be softer, expressive, and sexier in, for lack of a better term, a “girly” way.

These thoughts slowly got more intense, and I’ve been acting on them for the past 5-6 years. I really went for it during the start of the pandemic as I dove into exploration with same-sex relations along with my main heterosexual desires, mainly through texting and sexting, allowing myself to dress in feminine clothing and makeup, and overall exploring a side of myself that is very new to me and, in my circumstance, something I cannot sustain.

This also led me to get into taboo topics, indulging in kinks and fetishes that may offend different people, such as raceplay, feminization/sissyfication, CNC, and others. I’ve pushed myself to the absolute limits of my dignity saying things I shouldn’t have said and done things I’ve just shouldn’t have done.

I’ve been involved in chat rooms, role-playing (DM/PM, servers, etc.) on different platforms (including here), making a bunch of accounts just to get around and find attention from people who had the slightest interest in helping me explore and “have fun.” To my knowledge, all the people that I’ve interacted with regarding this matter were consensual. However, over time, the deeper I got and the more addicted I became to the high of attention and lust, the more I felt that I was going to destroy myself and set myself up for failure in the future.

In that journey for exploration and validation, in those moments where things really got intimate and sexual, this rush of excitement overwhelmed me. I got carried away with the things that had been done and the things that had been said, making me feel something I’ve never felt before. I ended up doing things and saying things that I could only describe as degrading, insensitive, and shameful to the values that I still hold onto.

I’ve been in what feels like a vicious cycle of indulgence, regret, and frustration all this time as from once just telling myself oh it’s just a little thing to fully blown seeking for more extreme and out of control things sometimes I can’t fathom that I would go to these means to satisfy a craving like this. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore as I’ve become almost paranoid and anxious almost all the time about who I can tell this to or how to handle this situation in a positive manner. I recognize this had stemmed from heavy porn use, as most of these things come up when I watch certain films, but all I can think about now is all the regret and all the time I have used in pursuit of these things that, in most people’s view, is a very weird/unproductive use of someone’s time. I keep thinking about how I could take it all back and could’ve used that time to do more positive things that are just better for me as a person.

The thing is as well that I am a deeply spiritual and religious person, so that plays a part in how I feel. So, I guess all I want to conclude is that I feel like a selfish and inconsiderate person who did immoral things for selfish reasons, and now I’m terrified of what people will think if people find out this darker persona of mine, and I want to truly change for the better by fully reconciling my relationship with my God, myself, and those I’ve interacted with and to see to it that I am fully committed to moving on from this chapter of my life and becoming a better person.