T.W. Violence, self harm, suicide

I found out last night that in like the 1940’s one of my great uncles called a horse that had his toddler brother on it. The kid fell off the horse and into a cultivator contraption that the horse was pulling. My great great grandmother went insane after this. She was locked up in a mental hospital, she’d cut herself and was suicidal. It got so bad that my family members would have to hide the knives. Even my 3rd cousin who told me all this said that growing up, they never had knives on the counter. They were always to be kept in drawers. She also told me that my grandpa and the kids his age at the time were forced to bathe at the well in -40 weather by my great great grandmother. I always known my family was pretty messed up, and a lot of us struggle with anxiety, and other mental health problems. My mom told me that my grandpa was abusive and my mom is very emotionally unavailable, and still is to this day.

I can’t help but feel that we are all generationally cursed by this incident that happened in the 40’s. I’ve struggled with suicide and self harm as well, I started self harming when I was 4 years old, and suicidal thoughts came around the same time. What’s even freakier is that my great great grandmother and I have nearly identical names. Think Jessica and Jess, that close. I have this feeling that I’m a reincarnation of her soul. I just don’t want her destiny to be mine, Idk, I’m already half way there anyway. Idk how to feel about all this, but I feel like I finally have some answers on why my life has been the way it is. It’s just cycles that have been repeating themselves since the 40’s.