throwaway account because its humiliating. its like a terrible, years-long itch i can't seem to scratch. i want to call someone dad and feel like it means something for once. i want to snuggle up and tell him all about my day, all about my life. i want to color pictures and go get ice cream. i want to be tucked into bed and babied. i want someone to protect me and tell me whats best for me. i want to take my trauma into my own hands and reform it. i think about it all day, every day. i want to be 6 again and be taken care of. the thoughts of scenarios can be sexual and extremely perverted at times, too. i just want to not be consumed by my desire to regress and my ever-confusing, sometimes twisted, sometimes innocent and normal desire for the nice father figure i never had. i want it to either happen, or i want it to stop feeling like such a necessity. i feel like i will never be satisfied in a relationship unless i assume the role of my traumatized child-self and the man assumes the role of a father.