Tldr at botto.

I'm horribly abusive. I've abused everyone I've ever been close to. I was friends with one group for 5 years, I constantly made them pity me. I kept hurting myself and refusing to get help, i was afraid that I was faking it all and if I kept getting worse then someday maybe it'd be bad enough to actually be real. So I kept telling them every little thing I did. I'd beg for their attention and sympathy. One night, I had a huge breakdown, told them I was gonna kill myself, and then disappear while watching them silently. I was watching to see if anyone really cared. Somehow, I don't know how because I never gave any of them my address, one of them called the police on me which alerted my parents because I still live with them. I blew up on them telling them I hate them all and they're all traitors, and then a day later I came back begging for forgiveness. They told me I'm suicide baiting, I'm so toxic that I'm nauseating to be around, and one person said that the thought of people they love being around me is heartbreaking. They kicked me out after 5 years of being with them, blocking me off. This is only the tip of the iceberg.

Earlier, I'd sent them a callout document that someone else had made about me as proof that I truly did deserve to die and I wanted to make them all hate me, but that didn't make them hate me so I thought that I was forgiven. Turns out they were all just holding their tongue about how much they truly hate me. That they'd been thinking about getting rid of me for a long time because of how horrible I am.

Now, the situation I was called out for in the first place.

I met a girl a few years ago. She was so perfect. God, she's perfect. She was so loving and wonderful. I had a boyfriend when I met her, I broke up with him because I just wanted her instead. I took birth control while I was with him and the side effects never went away. Those pills made me depressed to the point I started sneaking out of class (I was still in high school at the time) to go cut myself. And my angel, my perfect angel, she'd comfort me every time and be so worried. I was so addicted to that, to her care and worry, that I didn't care how badly it hurt her. I'd hurt myself worse and worse and thrive off of all the attention, refuse to get help, refuse to get better because as long as she was taking care of me I was in heaven. I couldn't bear to be apart from her. She just wanted me to get help and get better but I never would. It got to the point where she called a welfare check on me and wanted me put in a psych ward because I'd cut myself up and then tell her about it but refuse to do anything. Doesn't help that when I finally did go to a therapist, that therapist said I'm normal.

We'd met over a fandom we had in common. Eventually, it came out tbat one of the 2 brothers that ran the YouTube channel we liked was super abusive. I snapped at her and at the whole community saying that if they continue to watch they're all selfish and enabling an abuser. She didn't agree. I snapped. I yelled at her and verbally beat her into the ground until she was begging me to stop about how she was a horrible enabler and that she must just value her entertainment over people. I thought I was doing the right thing. I made a post condemning the community that I was soon kicked out of. But all of these people were my only friends. I didn't really have anyone outside of them. So I knew they'd be upset at me for my post and I made an alt account and faked my identity to be all friendly. I stalked her. And everyone. I pretended to be this different person while actively berating her on my main account. She'd said she was talking about me so I joined a voice chat she wad in to listen in on my alt. She found me out and finally cut me off .

We eventually spoke again and she told me she was gonna kill herself and I tried to talk her out of it but she said that she was so hopeless because of everything I'd done to her wnd all the ways I'd made her feel useless that she'd never go to therapy even if it was free. I ruined her life to such an extent that she had no hope of ever recovering. She kept me unblocked for around a month and then blocked me again. I panicked thinking her death was imminent snd I made a new alt account to try to get close to her wnd show her she was loved. She sniffed me out once more.

She told everyone how violated and unsafe she felt with me being so obsessed with her. Constantly violating her boundaries. Mentally. Abusing her and stalking her multiple times in hopes we can be together. She finally revealed everyone publicly and now everyone around her has cut me off too.

I heard from a friend of hers tbat she's said I do not deserve help. So now if I get help I'm disrespecting her wishes.

I don't know what to do now. Its a weird limbo when I don't deserve life but death is a mercy I don't deserve either. Nowadays I jjst keep myself down and make sure I'm hurting the same way I hurt her.

Tldr I'm extremely toxic snd have been cut off by everyone around me. Stalked a girl multiple times after abusing her for a year and begging her fo take care of me wnd hurting myself and telling her about it against her will. Now idk if I deserve to live.